e-luv

The plan that backfired.

2008-04-29T17:34:00.000-07:00

It seemed a good idea at the time. To ask people if they could put up e-luv reviews on Amazon. The result was one review from Mr C Macdonald, who hated the book. In the spirit of bringing you the bad reviews as well as the good, here's what he had to say:

I'd heard a lot of good reviews about this book, so I decided to get it myself. Sadly though, it left a lot to be desired. It took a while to get started and once it had, it was on an endless loop of the same lines and scenarios.

Not really that entertaining to read. If it had been more fact than fiction and stereotypes, then it would have made for an exhilarating read. Unfortunately, it didn't live up to the expectations and the reviews I had previously read.

Mind you, I think I got off relatively lightly. The magnificent "Confessions of a chatroom freak" by Mr Biffo, which is one of the funniest books you'll ever read was described in less than glowing terms by the same critic thus:

I can sum up this book in one word, "dull." Not only does it claim to be something that it's not, it's incredibly predictable and repetitive. The author seems to think he is some sort of comedic genius. I grew tired of the "character" after the first few pages. It wasn't a funny concept to begin with, but he still managed to churn out the same selfless bile, page after page.

He was no more gentle on Hard Candy, a film I rather liked, calling it the worst film in history, going on to say:

As far as I'm aware this film didn't have much in the way of a plot. I'm guessing the crew just filmed it on the spur of the moment. It's VERY predictable from the off and the ending, well you can see that coming a mile off.
As for the dodgy editing, that kinda gives up after the first few attempts at trying to build the suspense.
I expected the film to be better, given the reviews. Now that I've seen it, I'm beginning to wish I hadn't bothered watching it. It was a complete waste of time.

e-luv for sale. Possibly.

2008-04-04T13:37:00.000-07:00

e-luv's publisher, The Friday Project has gone into liquidation.I think this means that the rights to the book come back to me. The reason I can't be more sure about this is that they haven't actually told me what's going on, despite claims by Commercial Director Scott Pack to have contacted all Friday Project authors and despite several emails to Managing Director Clare Christian.
So if you're a publisher, who is still trying to come to terms with missing out on e-luv first time round, you've now possibly got a second chance. Contact me at dave at stripeyjumper.com
Meanwhile in other news..

Author Chat

The writer of your favourite internet romance novel (that'd be me) is answering questions and talking about the writing of the book on readitswapit.co.uk, a website for discerning book people. It's on Thursday 29 April at 8 PM GMT. Which is 7 in the morning here in New Zealand, a time I am unlikely to be coherent.
Read more about it here

Person of the week

The lovely Kate Meduna, a Russian reader who has offered to send me a copy of "My girlfriend lives in a Network", the Russian translation of e-luv. I look forward to leaving it casually placed on the coffee table.

New book

My next book, The Bromley Boys, comes out in August. It's about growing up in the 70s supporting Britain's worst football team. It's packed with teenage angst and is available for pre-order on Amazon here

Amazon

If you enjoyed e-luv, please fell free to give it a review on Amazon here. I'll be so grateful, I'll come round to your house and cook you dinner. If you hated it, please don't leave a review.

Just when you thought it was over..

2007-10-15T20:44:00.000-07:00

Fifteen months have passed since e-luv came out and it's now vanished from the shops and languishing in the lower 200,000s on Amazon.
But something strange has been happening for the past few months - I seem to be seeing more reviews and getting more emails about it than I did when it was on the shelves.
Recently, I found this:

Then there was this:

And this:

And this:

And this from a MySpace profile:

Why is this happening? anyone got any ideas?

Incredibly exciting new blog

2007-09-05T01:20:00.000-07:00

Is your life nothing but one giant loose end now that the e-luv blog has curled up and died?
Do not worry. In its place is the very fantastic www.loveandsexonline.blogspot.com which features incredibly interesting stories from the grubby online world inhabited by Trevor, the hero of e-luv.
No-one has actually been to the site yet so you'll be the first. Then you can tell all your friends and before you know it, I'll have visitors in double figures.
Hurrah!

Exclusive e-luv bonus!

2007-09-02T19:54:00.000-07:00

Yes, it's e-luv's first ever rejection letter from HarperCollins in New Zealand. It's dated 10 April 2001, which was apparently the last time I tidied my desk because that was where I found it.
They found the scenario "a bit tacky" and they didn't care for the story.
Quite right, too. It's exploitative pornography of the worst kind.

There's some bad news - and some good news

2007-07-01T01:29:00.000-07:00

Hello. Thanks for dropping in, but I'm afraid everyone has packed up and gone home. The e-luv blog is no more. But don't look so sad - you can read about Dave Roberts' fabulous new book and find out what else he's up to by clicking HERE.

The final chapter

2007-04-08T21:10:00.000-07:00

With e-luv drifting into the low 200,000s on Amazon and no longer on the shelves of most shops, it seems the right time to bring your favourite blog to an end.
While I have been disappointed with sales, it's been brilliant having a book out and casually dropping into every conversation that I'm a published author.
It's meant I've got another book deal and, at last, an agent. Friday Project have been great to work with and one day, there may well be a sequel - but not yet.
The best part has definitely been the comments people like Timbo, Caroline, Julia, Ms Melancholy, Rex, NWM, the Clares, Debi, Dinah, Fwengebola, Amy, Donna etc have left on this blog. And the emails I've had from the few who read e-luv.
So buy Caroline's book. Buy Biffo's book. But more importantly, if you haven't read it, buy MY book.
There are plenty of copies available.
I'll be trying the blog experiment again with my next book - if you want to know where to find it, email me at stripeyjumper@paradise.net.nz and I'll let you know when it starts. As a special bonus, here's a picture of me and Mrs Roberts.
I must go now, before I get too emotional. Bye.

2007-04-02T16:51:00.000-07:00

Best video ever.

While researching for my next book (ie, looking for ideas to steal), I came across this fantastic footage of clips taken from 1980s dating videos. I felt compelled to share it with you.

Person of the Week

2007-04-01T13:42:00.000-07:00

Meet Arianne Sherine, who is a proper writer for the telly, including the second series of 'Two pints of lager and a packet of crisps'. She wrote to sat that she loved e-luv, calling it "hugely entertaining and eminently readable". She went on to say that she laughed out loud several times, which is rare for her.
And THEN she called me "immensely talented". I like Arianne. She could well become my new best friend.

The mansion will have to wait.

2007-03-27T16:31:00.000-07:00

I have had to downsize my plans on what to do with my first royalty cheque from e-luv. After hearing how much it will be, the mansion in the South of France has been put on hold and instead I will be using it to pay a month's rent on my sparsely-furnished bungalow in a once-fashionable suburb of Wellington.
Still, the cheque does mean that I've earned around £1.25 an hour from writing the book, so technically, I am a professional author. Even if I do get paid less than my son, who delivers pizzas.

Email of the day

2007-03-22T12:46:00.000-07:00

Hello,
just been reading your blogspot....I wanted to say how much I enjoyed reading your book, best one I have read in months. I was introduced to this book by my sister who had it selected for her by her 3 year old daughter because she liked the cover. As it was a library book, I am forced to return it...so now I will go straight to Amazon and buy myself a copy.
Hurry up with the sequel, I am a greedy and impatient reader. Got to go, my youngest is being traumatized by a sticky bagel.

Fiona

How not to write a book

2007-03-19T20:27:00.000-07:00

I have started work on the e-luv sequel and it is, quite frankly, brilliant. Actually, it's currently known as re-luv, which means that Clare Weber won the naming competition from a few weeks ago and I forgot to mention it. Anyway, progress would be a lot quicker if I could avoid the following habits:

* Jumping out of my chair every time I write a line I think is really good and reading it out to whoever is in the room. And then sulking if they don't laugh.

* Taking a break every 5 minutes so I can check the latest football news as well as seeing who has visited this blog.

* Deciding that writing is just too hard and that staring vacantly at the screen is far easier.

* Spending hours compiling music playlists, often around a pointless theme such as "songs by 80s bands with insane haircuts".

* Checking emails every couple of minutes. Despite the fact I know there won't be any, because if there WAS one, I'd already know thanks to the "new mail alert" sound.

Re-luv will probably be in the shops around July 2015.

Person of the Week

2007-03-12T14:26:00.000-07:00

It's sexy sex writer, Emily Dubberley, who read e-luv and said "I thought the whole book was ace. Read it in one sitting - it is very funny/poignant/well written".
This is particularly good because Emily is a proper writer who has written loads of books, founded a sexy sex magazine and somehow manages to write for the Guardian AND the Daily Star.
Check out her websites here and here.
I also like the fact that her name is very difficult to say 5 times quickly.

Why I love Google

2007-03-08T15:09:00.000-08:00

My latest e-luv Google session, which is basically a desperate search for praise, has returned the following results:

A South African man whose favourite books are 1984, Animal Farm, To Kill a Mockingbird and...ummm... e-luv: an internet romance.

A woman who snorted on the train home to Glasgow as she was reading it.

An embarrassing Metro article that I've been trying to forget.

A list of new books in Vancouver Public Library (January 7-13 2007), which includes e-luv.

A list of ifyourcuteimsingle's favourite books

A Canadian man giving one of the more serious reviews the book has had.

A mixed bag of emails

2007-03-06T17:20:00.000-08:00

A mixed bag of emails awaited me this morning. The first was a very nice start to the day - a note from someone who had read e-luv:

Dear Mr Roberts
I got hold of your book via The Guardian and I have to say it was the first book for a long time that made me laugh out loud. Excellent.

Then things took a downhill turn, as I opened a FORM REJECTION EMAIL (it was the "Dear Mr Dave Roberts" bit that gave it away) from a publisher, whose name I have not deleted, thus probably ruining my chances of ever getting a deal with them:

Dear Mr Dave Roberts,

Many thanks for sending your proposal for us to consider for John Blake Publishing Ltd.

Judging by the details you have provided, your book sounds a very interesting and insightful one and you must have felt great enjoyment and satisfaction in writing it. Although I have no doubt it will prove a popular read when published, I am afraid that due to a recent shift in demand we are looking to commission in specific genres that we publish. Currently we are focusing on our popular culture and sports biographies over the forthcoming months. With this in mind, we do not feel that this proposal is quite right for our list on this occasion.

I am sorry that we could not provide a more positive answer but I would like to thank you for thinking of us. I wish you the very best of luck in finding success with the publication of your book in the near future.

Yours sincerely,

Vicky McGeown

Editorial Assistant

But THEN, a much better one, from a publisher I sent my book about teenage misfits supporting rubbish football teams, saying he was going to make me an offer next week.

So, a good start to the day. But I am about to meet my mother-in-law for the first time, so that could all change. She has flown over from the US and I am frankly terrified.

A bizarre turn of events

2007-03-04T15:14:00.000-08:00

Some of you will still be in a state of shock at this vitriolic post from the author of Millions of Women are Waiting to Meet You, Sean Thomas (shown here with one of his millions of women).
There has now been a dramatic turn of events.
You will recall that he took exception to my saying that his book was rubbish. This was based on reading the prologue which really was a bit rubbish, so I didn't bother with the rest. At a loose end last Sunday, I decided to read a bit more.
Now, you have no idea how much this hurts to say, especially given the knobbish way he behaved, but I have to give credit where it's due and I thought it was really good. Laugh-out-loud-funny, poignant, honest and hard to put down - especially when he's talking about his internet adventures. You even end up quite liking him. And the final line is the best I've read since e-luv's.
I would grudgingly recommend it to anyone.

e-luv: the movie - the update

2007-03-01T11:15:00.000-08:00

I have discovered how film production companies work. You hear nothing from them for months, followed by a flurry of activity, before hearing nothing again for the next few months.
Anyway, I just got an email from the producer who has e-luv "in development". She sent pages and pages of notes, packed with words like "beats" and "3-act structure".
They have come up with a fantastically inventive way of shooting it, which I'd better not describe here. Not because I'm discreet, but because I'm paranoid they'll google e-luv and find this site.
Things seem to be progressing nicely and the next step is getting funding, which means that the full script needs to be written. Luckily, they have someone who is doing that, so I can just sit back and take all the credit (if it goes well) or whine about how I could have done better (if it goes badly).

An exclusive interview with Dave Roberts

2007-02-27T16:22:00.000-08:00

Since no-one has interviewed me for months, and since no-one has shown any interest in interviewing me, I have decided to interview myself, asking the tough questions that YOU demand the answers to.

So Dave, how's it going?

Not bad, thanks.

What kind of music does a top author like yourself listen to while writing?

Good question. My current playlist has Saint Etienne, the Handsome Family, Eno, Babybird, Grandaddy, Billy Bragg and Bucks Fizz.

Dave, the sequel to e-luv is eagerly awaited by literally thousands of people. When will it be finished?

I'm planning on having it done by early next year. Due to having a zero attention span, I'm writing two more books at the same time - and jumping from one to another.

That's great. Talking of books, are there any you're particularly looking forward to reading this year?

Why yes, there are. In Search of Adam by Caroline Smailes and Confessions of a Chatroom Freak by Biffo both look fabulous.

What's in your fridge currently?

A half-eaten can of kidney beans and some cauliflower.

Has anyone sent you any Oatibix yet?

No. But they really should since it is compatible with the hideous diet I am on.

When's your birthday?

Funny you should mention that - it's tomorrow, March 1st.

Dave, I know your time is extremely valuable, so I'll wind it up there. Thanks very much for talking to me.

No problem.

Think of a name for the e-luv sequel and be in it

2007-02-22T19:22:00.000-08:00

I can't think of a title for the e-luv sequel apart from "e-luv: the sequel", which I concede is not terribly good.
So here's my plan - if you can come up with a better one then I'll name a character in the book after you. I promise that it'll be a really goodlooking and funny character who will do nothing embarrassing.
Post your title here or email it to me. The winner will be announced in about a week, unless no-one enters, in which case I'm stuck with "e-luv: the sequel", and you wouldn't want that, would you?

The chances of e-luv being a bestseller are slim

2007-02-18T20:12:00.000-08:00

They are 10.2% to be precise. That is, according to this website which analyses titles of books and then tells whether or not it will top the New York Times Bestseller List.
"It guessed right in nearly 70% of cases," says Dr Atai Winkler, who worked on the project. "Given the nature of the data and the way tastes change, this is very good — better than we might have expected."
So I am left on 10.2%, then. The same as The Da Vinci Code.

Sex scenes

2007-02-16T14:51:00.000-08:00

There's a fantastic scene in Showgirls, where Kyle Maclaughlin and Elizabeth Berkeley are having sex in a swimming pool. Suddenly, and for no apparent reason, Elizabeth starts flailing, splashing, arching her back and impersonating a dolphin having an epileptic fit. I only mention this because really bad sex scenes seem to be something I specialise in, too. It's not deliberate - I really DO try to make them convincing, but I just find them really hard. So having promised a couple of readers (you know who you are) that there will be lots of smut in the next book, I am going to have to find a way round this problem. Anyone got any ideas?

Another e-luv is coming your way

2007-02-13T12:39:00.000-08:00

Yes, I have decided to write a sequel to Britain's best-loved internet romance novel. The reasons for this change of heart aren't entirely clear. I've definitely been re-energised by TFP's decision to republish e-luv with a new cover - I think that could really make a big difference. I also like the fact that around 30 people (OK, I know it's not many but it is to ME) have written asking if there was going to be a sequel. But most of all, if I'm honest, it's down to ego. I LIKE seeing my name on a book in the shops and reading reviews. Well, most of them anyway.
It is early days. As yet there is no publisher, only a vague plot and a couple of chapters. But at least I have a photo for the dust jacket, which I stole from a proper writer's website - isn't he a sexy beast?

Person of the Week

2007-02-09T19:16:00.000-08:00

Frankly, this week's winner is something of an enigma. Despite extensive research, I have been unable to uncover much about her, other than the name she goes under (Miss T) and the MSN name she uses (Miss Haversham). She is possibly a teacher, almost certainly lives in Sydney, Australia and definitely went to see the Scissor Sisters a few nights ago.
She writes about her life in the magnificently-named T-Bird's Supreme Megatron Optimus Prime Number One Mecha Party Good Times Laser Blog!
She has, of course, read e-luv. Not only did she give it a very good review, but she also linked to this site with the words "READ IT!!! This book warmed the cold, cold cockles of my heart".
Miss T, I wish I could know more about you....

e-luv 1 Ashley Cole 0

2007-02-06T13:22:00.000-08:00

There are not many books that have been outsold by e-luv. So you can imagine my delight on reading that last summer's self-serving, greed-fuelled extended whine by England footballer Ashley Cole had sold all of 2,400 copies. Among the revelations found inside are the fact that he was so incandescent with rage when told that his club had only offered him £55,000 a week (he was talking to his agent on his mobile at the time) that he had to pull his car over to the side of the road.
I wouldn't like to be the one who has to tell him the size of his book royalty cheque.

Is this a good cover?

2007-02-04T14:32:00.000-08:00

Does the cover of e-luv stand out? Does it make you want to pick the book up? I actually like it, but have been aware for some time that while it's stylishly tasteful, it doesn't really hypnotise people into thinking " I must buy this". Anyway the point is that Friday Books have come to the same conclusion and decided to republish e-luv with a new cover, once they've managed to get rid of the current unsold stock (which is probably taking up entire floors at Friday Books Towers). What do you think? Will a new cover make a difference and rescue me from obscurity?

Much better than chocolates and flowers and stuff

2007-01-30T13:17:00.000-08:00

Some visitors to Waterstone's this Valentine's Day will be tempted to explore the great selection of books in their latest promotion. For the romantics amongst you, "The System: How to Get Laid TODAY! by Roy Valentine" will be hard to resist. But I urge you to go here about halfway down the page. Strangely, the book underneath the book underneath e-luv is what my wife bought for me last year. Which was nice.

An Amazon embarrassment

2007-01-28T22:03:00.000-08:00

There is an imminent catastrophe in my life. On Amazon, e-luv is in freefall, and was last seen hovering around the 230,000 mark. My friend Kevin had his book published 4 years ago - it was a collection of photos taken during Manchester City's last season at their old ground. As I was on Amazon, I decided to check what its ranking was - and to my horror discovered that it was in 239,000th place - closing in on e-luv. This is distressing on several counts:
1. Despite being a fabulous book, it DID come out 4 years ago. Most books have disappeared without trace after this time. Mine has been out 6 months and is already disappearing without trace.
2. He will waste no opportunity to let me know that his book is doing better than mine.
I beg of you - buy e-luv. Even if you've already bought it. Please.

Person of the Week

2007-01-24T11:57:00.000-08:00

This is Dinah from Toronto, who has patiently stood by without complaint as others have taken the coveted Person of the Week title.
But now it is her turn to shine.
She earned this honour by not only buying e-luv, but also leaving a review here on the Chapters/Indigo website, putting a review up on her blog and picking e-luv as one of her favourite books of 2006.
As if that wasn't enough, she went into her nearest bookstore and rearranged the e-luvs so they faced outwards.
AND she quotes Belle and Sebastain on her blog.
Has there ever been a more deserving Person of the Week?

I need a more unusual name

2007-01-22T17:32:00.001-08:00

One of the problems of being an author called Dave Roberts is that I am just one of many Dave Robertses with a book out. As most bookseller websites don't seem to be able to tell the difference, people who bought e-luv are urged to also buy other books which I did not write but am happy to take credit for. Such as another Dave Roberts's seminal work on pipe and excavation contracting. Or yet another Dave Roberts's meditation on following Jesus. There is also a Dave Roberts book called GOD'S PLAN FOR CHILDREN - THE CHURCH'S RESPONSIBILITY TO NEST GENERATION: The Church's Responsibility to the Next Generation, but I do not recall writing it.

It's the new, improved e-luv blog

2007-01-21T18:29:00.000-08:00

Your favourite bright green website is no more and it is the fault of italk2much.com. That's a website where they look at people's blogs and then tell them how rubbish they are. Obviously, I had to ask them what they thought of this - the theory being that I am so desperate to get people to come here, I am quite happy to go through any humiliation they care to dish out. As it happens, the reviewer (shown here) was quite nice about the content, but the template led to comments like "the green makes me think of regurgitated grass my cat leaves in random places of my home", "e-luv is amusing, once you get past that neon green" and "vomit green and then white text on vomit green".
I took this to mean they didn't like it and have changed it in the hopes that this will persuade just one of my many new visitors to actually buy the book.
(The only downside to changing templates is that the links have all disappeared. So if there was a link to your site can you email me and I'll put it back.)

And the winner is...

2007-01-18T15:49:00.000-08:00

I have won a few awards in my time. There was my Karori Swifts " Goal of the Season 1990 " award, which was slightly tainted because I was in charge of judging. There was also a Cannes Silver Lion. But these are meaningless when compared with the honour which has recently been bestowed upon me. You see, this blog has beaten off no competition whatsoever to win the prestigious " Best blog that mentions this blog" category in Timbo's 2nd annual Swampy Awards. I see it as recognition of the fact I was so desperate to sell just one copy of e-luv, that I spent several days publicly pleading with Timbo to buy it.
Eventually he did. And then he gave me this award. I love Timbo.

e-luv goes to Second Life

2007-01-16T17:29:00.001-08:00

My neverending quest for free publicity has taken me to Second Life, the virtual world which everyone knows is the next big thing - as long as you can work out how to use it, which I couldn't.
It took about 10 minutes of flying and walking through trees before I encountered virtual people. That's me on the right. The other two were from Venezuela and I knew things were not going smoothly when, in reply to my question of whether either of them had read e-luv, the bloke on the left asked me to give him a lap dance.
Next I found someone calling himself Rommyusa Jarvis. I asked him if he was American. He confirmed that he was. I asked him if he'd read e-luv. He flew away at great speed.
I gave up.

My MySpace fiasco

2007-01-13T19:39:00.000-08:00

After all the recent unpleasantness it is good to return to the matter at hand - my startlingly inept attempts to promote e-luv. MySpace was the location of my latest efforts. The idea seemed simple. Invite loads of people to be my friend then inundate them with extracts, reviews and reasons to buy the book.
Problem Number one - I am a plump middle-aged man and most people who read e-luv tend to be in their teens to mid 20s. You can see the problem, can't you? Inviting teenage boys and girls to be by friend is met with suspicion, swiftly followed by rejection.
Problem Number two - My clever strategy of targeting people with an interest in internet dating or chatrooms wasn't at all clever. It has resulted in being stalked by an American woman (shown here) who describes herself as an " Internet Dating Coach" and is very keen for me to enroll on one of her courses.
Problem Number Three - I failed to take into account that these friendships are a two-way street. The price I pay for flooding these people's Inboxes with increasingly desperate pleas to buy my book is receiving increasingly desperate pleas to listen to their band/get free membership to their dating agency or..umm..read their book.
Number of enquiries about e-luv so far - zero.

Person of the Week

2007-01-11T10:20:00.002-08:00

Normally, buying e-luv is all it takes to become Person of the Week. But Cat has gone way beyond this simple act. She put up a favourable review on her blog. She helped spread the e-luv by passing the book on to a friend. And she reguarly quotes Belle and Sebastian.
For this, Cat is a worthy winner.
Remember, you can win this internationally (well, next week's winner IS in Canada) prestigious award by going into a bookshop and saying: "Could I have e-luv: an internet romance by Dave Roberts please?" and handing over your money.

Knob stripped of title shock!

2007-01-10T12:23:00.000-08:00

Jeffrey Archer, zillionaire author who omitted to tell the truth in court. Ben Johnson, disgraced Olympic sprinter whose gold medal win was steroid-assisted. And Miss Nevada 2007, who was photographed kissing other young women, exposing one of her breasts and showing her thong at a party in Tampa.

What do they have in common? I will tell you. They were stripped of their titles. Or in Archer's case, should have been.

It is now my unfortunate duty to do the same to Sean Thomas, who was recently named Person of the Week. The reasons can be found at NWM's blog,
where she has been questioning whether he is being ironic or is just a knob. It is now clear that he is a knob, for the following reasons:

1. He claims to be busy ("not enough to make me interrupt my day to comment on a blog") yet manages to find the time to leave 4 self-promoting comments on NWM's blog and 1 on mine.
2. He puts plugs in for his blog AND his new book (Never Change A Baby With A Hangover (Bloomsbury, June 2008)), under the guise of comments.
3. He is so proud of calling someone "sour faced french cunt" that he tells us how to find it.
4. Not only is he under the impression that I am a Kiwi, he also makes a Kiwi/sheep shagger gag. Which no-one has done before. Ever.
5. His book really is a bit rubbish.
6. He has sold loads more than me.

While Sean is left to pick up the shattered pieces of his life, there'll be dancing in the streets of Scotland, where Cat is about to take over as Person of the Week.

Person of the Week

2007-01-09T02:01:00.000-08:00

It's Sean Thomas, leading literary figure and author of Millions of Women are Waiting to Meet you, who responded to a recent post with this outstanding tantrum:

I wrote Millions of Women are Waiting to Meet You.

Rubbish, eh?

You may want to know it went to number 6 on amazon. It has also sold 20,000 copies here in the UK, in hardback alone. So far. And it has been sold to Germany, Italy, Norway, Korea, Spain, Russia and America - the latter for a very healthy five figure sum.

We have additionally had four offers for the film rights.

How many did your dismal litle tract sell, you tiny-dicked Kiwi? Go on, fuck off back to the land of the long white loser, you wankstain on the duvet of literature with you.

Only kidding mate. Happy New Year!

Sean T

The books I do not like to mention.

2007-01-07T14:37:00.001-08:00

Around the time e-luv came out, several other books also appeared, covering roughly the same ground. I read a couple and they were rubbish, so I decided not to mention them, out of fear that the truth would come out - that I am bitter and resentful about them outselling e-luv. But now Cat (whose blog I recommend) has posted a review which names and shames them. Here is the relevent part, which makes her a certainty for future Person of the Week honours:

Back to the book. This is hardly an untouched topic. Indeed, over the last 12 months I have read a variety of books dealing with internet romance – Diaries of an Internet Lover, Dot.homme, Millions of Women are Waiting to Meet You and so on. None of them were brilliant, and all of them painted a rosy picture. Dave doesn’t. And this is where e-luv comes into its own amongst its competitors. The story is rife with disappointment, lies, deception and unpleasant characters preying on people’s insecurities. Which seems much closer to my own online adventures (now ceased) than any of the other books I read. It’s funny and entertaining with characters who seem real. The short sections mean it’s easy to pick up and put down – an ideal public transport novel.

2007's first Person of the Week

2007-01-02T10:37:00.000-08:00

It's Timbo, of course. He made sure of the honour by reviewing e-luv on his fab site here.
As you can see, he throughly enjoyed it but demanded I make a few changes just for him. Which, of course, I will because I like him.
Be warned - Timbo is a crazy internet stalker and would be most displeased to hear about anyone not buying e-luv. I only pass this information on for your benefit.
I always like to finish with a cute animal story, so here are Donna's dogs beseeching me to write a sequel. You can see the desperate pleading in their eyes. But I am hard of heart as well as lazy, and must disappoint them.

Setting a fine example

2006-12-26T20:46:00.000-08:00

This was an email from my sort-of-brother-in-law (first wife's sister's husband, if you must know). I think you should all follow his lead.

"Just to let you know Borders in Leeds had six copies of e-luv on the 20th December and they had sold out by the 24th - I did help by leaving them in a prominent position. Should be a good xmas increase in sales".

THE E-LUV HONOURS LIST 2006

2006-12-21T09:01:00.000-08:00

Despite today being one of the most hideous in living memory (had to sell car to pay the rent) , I present the much-anticipated round-up of 2006, honouring the year's best. I was going to post this a few days ago, but the internet has been down because someone drove a truck over a cable.

LADYBLOG OF THE YEAR

Non-working Monkey. Never a dull post, as she covers a variety of topics including plaster knobs, insane garderners, twatty neighbours and avoiding work. Someone give her a book deal.

MANBLOG OF THE YEAR

Fwengibola's blog is magnificent. It's addictive and unflinchingly honest. Far better than those books which claim to give an insight into the workings of the male mind and end up doing no such thing. It is also VERY funny.

BOOK OF THE YEAR APART FROM E-LUV

The best thing I've read all year is The Mayor of Lexington Avenue by James Sheehan which would probably be categorised as a legal thriller, but it's much, much better than that. It was dead exciting and dragged me in completely.

TV OF THE YEAR

Truly, Madly, Deeply - a funny and moving documentary about a dating service for those who would never be allowed anywhere near a conventional dating agency. Runner up: Young@heart, where a choir of senior citizens covered songs by Sonic Youth, James Brown, and The Clash (or as one of the grannies called them, "Crash").

FILM OF THE YEAR

Kenny. Despite being Australian and therefore, inevitably packed with toilet gags, it somehow managed to be laugh-out-loud funny with the most endearing lead character I've seen in ages. He would be a great Trevor in e-luv: The Movie. As would the bloke who wrestled naked with Borat, in my second favourite film of the year.

CD OF THE YEAR

Was Saint Etienne's Tales from Turnpike House this year or last? I can't remember. If it was 2006, then it is this year's best. If it was 2005, I shall go for the Handsome Family's Last Days of Wonder for the words, voice and tunes.

SONG OF THE YEAR

Resisting the temptation to be willfully obscure, the winner is LDN by Lily Allen, because it makes me smile - even when hearing it for the 1000th time. I also liked Hypnotised by Aberfeldy, Kathryn Williams' fab version of Thirteen, My Cosmic Autumn Rebellion by Flaming Lips and Made up Love Song by the Guillemots.

BOOK IDEA OF THE YEAR

Go into a chatroom pretending to be a girl. Get blokes to say humiliating and incriminatory things. Put it out as a book. Dress as a woman for the cover. Wish I'd thought of it, but Biffo did and it comes out in 2007, through the fabulous Friday Books. I hate Biffo.

BEST E-LUV THING TO HAPPEN OF THE YEAR

Having e-luv in the window of Waterstone's in Edinburgh, alongside The Kite Runner. Truly my 15 minutes.

TWAT OF THE YEAR

The bloke who drove his truck over the cable.

PERSON OF THE YEAR

My wife, Liz. For putting up with yet another 12 months of promises that things will get better, without complaining. 2007 will be our year, I promise.

All around the world

2006-12-18T12:53:00.000-08:00

Yes, it's the title of an obscure song by the Jam, of which I am extremely fond. But it also conveys the fact that I have been cybertraveling the globe in search of praise for Amazon's 236,340th bestselling book. First stop Australia, where Miss T has been reading and blogging about it. Best quote? "It's sort of like Dr Zhivago with Alan Rickman and loads of wanking". Next, it is on to Canada, where Dinah also had some very nice things to say. Best quote? "I considered putting it on my Christmas list, but ultimately I decided that I did not want my parents buying a book with a speedo-ed man on the cover". Finally, Malaysia, where Sharlini enjoyed the book in its downloaded PDF format. Best quote? "It’s hilarious, but I’m not too sure about the ending".
Oh no. She didn't like the ending? A question for those who have read it - did you like the ending?

Online monitoring

2006-12-16T11:53:00.000-08:00

Isn't the internet brilliant? I can sit here in my squalid suburban home and keep track of e-luv activity around the world. My latest discovery, thanks to Dinah of Toronto, is the Chapters Indigo website. They're Canada's biggest bookstore chain and have a feature which lets you see stock levels in all their branches. Which is how I know that Chapters on Broadway in Vancouver have 7 copies in store and all the others have anything between 2 and 6. As luck would have it, Waterstone's in the UK give you similar information, although they seem unable to explain the huge popularity of e-luv in Truro and Hitchin. You'll be pleased to know that a total of 174 Waterstone's stores stock the book. I should know. I counted them.

Person of the week

2006-12-12T17:53:00.000-08:00

The voting lines are closed. The decison has been made. In no particular order, the number of votes cast were Timbo 3, Elvis 6, Eton Road 1 and Donna 27. I am proud (but not half as proud as she is feeling right now, I'd imagine) to pronounce Donna from Dulwich as Person of the Week. Her deeds are certainly worth recounting - she has bought several copies of the book, she has offered to send a photo of both her dogs reading e-luv and she has offered to stalk all bookshops within a 2 mile radius of her workplace to count the number of copies on display. Bask in the glory, Donna, for it is luxuriant yet fleeting.

I get reviewed by a cartoon character

2006-12-10T21:41:00.000-08:00

Claris models for a fabulous range of greeting cards, which you can enjoy here. She (or possibly her real-life alter ego) and I have become friends, and the conversation inevitably led to one thing. How brilliant e-luv is. She was intrigued and ordered it from Amazon. I was a little nervous, for in real life, Claris is a successful writer of sitcoms. But I need not have worried. Her (highly edited) verdict? "It's hugely entertaining and eminently readable. I laughed out loud (no pun intended) several times, which is rare for me."

Timbo puts the pressure on

2006-12-07T15:23:00.000-08:00

Timbo is trailing badly in his bid to become the next Person of the Week. Frankly, no-one has voted for Timbo at all - not even Timbo, who inexplicably gave his vote to Eton Road. All of which means he is currently in fourth place behind Donna, Elvis and Eton Road. But he is fighting back, by posting this fantastic photo on his blog. I like it so much I am going to vote for him.

Like X-Factor only better

2006-12-06T17:31:00.000-08:00

Two people are lobbying hard to be named as the next Person of the Week. But there can be only one winner - and you get to vote on who it should be. Will it be Donna, shown here sandwiched between Elvis Presley ( probably an imposter) and her husband? Or will it be Timbo, who claims to have bought the book, but has yet to provide any solid evidence? Donna feels she deserves the honour because " Not only did I buy the book four months ago, I have also bought TWO further copies for Xmas presents for people. And I forced my husband to read it. And he liked it and recommended Mark Benton for the lead role in the inevitable film version.". Timbo's claim is short and to the point. He wrote "I NOMINATE MYSELF COS, YOU KNOW, I OWN YOUR BOOK.".
Well, who will it be? Donna or Timbo? Vote NOW.

The perfect Xmas gift

2006-12-05T17:28:00.000-08:00

I was looking on Amazon for some gift ideas, when this book caught my eye. It's called e-luv:an internet romance and looks really funny. I've actually read it about a dozen times now and each time I find something new. It is a multilayered work of pathos mixed with comedy and I can think of nothing that would make a person happier than to wake up on Christmas morning and unwrap this. They will love you even more deeply than they currently love you..

Person of the Week

2006-12-02T09:32:00.000-08:00

She goes under the name of Fussybitch but I suspect her real name is Angela. She likes corsets but doesn't like dentists. And most importantly, she really enjoyed e-luv and will be buying it for her friends at Christmas. This is the calibre of person I want on this site. Perceptive, generous and discerning. Remember, if YOU want to be a future Person of the Week, all you have to do is buy the book or just claim you're going to buy it.

You know your book's not doing well when...

2006-11-30T19:37:00.000-08:00

...your publisher has an end-of-year roundup on how all their books are doing and yours isn't mentioned. Which means it is amongst their worst sellers. Even though it's only been out for 4 or so months, there have already been plenty of ups and downs - of which this is just the latest. Seeing e-luv as one of only five novels recommended on the Waterstone's website last month was brilliant. As was making the front cover of the Big Issue. As was having the book translated into Russian. And seeing it in nearly 100 public libraries. But then there has been all the rubbish stuff, like...nah, it's too depressing. I think I'll stop there.

A top secret meeting

2006-11-28T21:03:00.000-08:00

This is Cafe 162 and it's frankly a bit rubbish. But did that stop Liz and I heading there today? No, it did not. For we had a meeting with one of the higher profile film producers in this part of the world and two development executives who laughed at all of my jokes. The purpose of this gathering was to discuss turning e-luv into a film. Or sitcom. Or animated TV series. Not only did I get a free apple juice, but I learned that TV channels and film funding people don't just expect scripts, but also a full range of marketing tie-ins, including plans to utilise the internet and mobile phones. Needless to say, I felt totally out of my depth. We are meeting again next week.

I consult the experts

2006-11-27T17:08:00.000-08:00

I have a new plan. I am writing to CEOs of the world's leading advertising agencies as well as various celebs asking them how I can sell more copies of e-luv. Today I got a reply from Kevin Roberts, überboss of Saatchi and Saatchi, which I have posted for you. Paris Hilton has also been approached for her ideas, which should be hot.

A slight correction

2006-11-25T23:15:00.000-08:00

When I said you could download the first quarter of e-luv from the publisher's website, what I meant to say was that you can get the whole book. Absolutely free. Won't cost you a penny. Of course, this applies to everyone except Timbo, who must buy it. But for the rest of you, help yourselves by going here. You can also get Blood, Sweat and Tea in its magnificent entirety as well as up to half of a few other books.
Whether this scheme is a stroke of genius or sheer insanity is open to debate, but personally I think it's a brilliant idea. Why? because the more people who read books like these from indie publishers who don't have huge marketing budgets, the better. It can only help the word of mouth...

Here is the news

2006-11-23T17:01:00.000-08:00

FREE SAMPLE - Any minute now, the first quarter of e-luv will be downloadable in a variety of formats. Free. It's part of Friday Project's plan to be the first publisher in the entire universe to let readers try before they buy. I think it's a good idea - I download a song or two from a CD, and if I like them, I'll generally buy it.

E-LUV: THE FILM - I have a meeting with a producer next week - I sent him a copy of the book a few months ago and now he wants to talk. More news on this as I have it.

E-LUV: THE SEQUEL - I have had millions (well, six to be exact) of emails in the past couple of weeks asking if there is going to be a follow-up to their favourite internet romance novel. The answer is that I don't know. The plot is done and I've vaguely planned out the chapters, but the motivation isn't really there currently.

THE FRIDGE - I have managed to borrow some money, which is good news for the fridge. Soon it will be filled with papayas, which are the finest fruits known to man. I could live on the stuff - really.

TIMBO - It is approaching Timbo's payday and as soon as it arrives, he will be the proud owner of a brand new copy of e-luv. Hurrah!

X FACTOR - My wife, who is American, informs me that Ray, the annoying twat who inexplicably hasn't been kicked off X Factor yet, is a dead ringer for the Big Boy Restaurant mascot.

Fridge and Timbo update

2006-11-16T18:50:00.000-08:00

Caroline and Jude have requested, as a matter of some urgency, a status report on my fridge. I'm afraid the news is not good. As you can see, there is just a small scattering of food to be found and not much prospect of adding to it. But late last night, things took a turn for the better when Timbo finally relented and informed me of his plans to buy e-luv on his next payday. I am anticipating that he will love it so much he'll tell all his friends to buy it and it will then be only a matter of time before the fridge is full to overflowing with Beluga caviar and Dom Perignon.

From Russia with e-luv

2006-11-13T23:18:00.000-08:00

This was the scene in Moscow today as locals reacted with unbridled joy to the news that the rights to e-luv had been sold to one of the biggest publishers in the country. The deal, which will surely see e-luv become Russia's best-loved internet romance novel, was done at the Frankfurt Trade fair. And if that's not good enough for Timbo, I don't know what is.

"happybutterfly" has asked me to pass this message on to Timbo

2006-11-13T11:15:00.000-08:00

Timbo you must buy the book. It isn't rubbish or boring. Disturbing? Yes. Amusing? Yes. Unputdownable ? Yes. Good ending? Yes. Enough reasons to break you down now? Hope so!!!;-)

Timbo is close to buying e-luv

2006-11-11T16:23:00.000-08:00

I like Timbo (seen here in festive mode). He has a blog which I regularly peruse, an amusing Roger Moore anecdote and a love (which I share) for The Flaming Lips. He hasn't bought e-luv yet, but I sense he is weakening. In the space of a few hours today, he went from saying " I must buy this book of yours" to " I found your book in Waterstones. I liked the introduction. That's all I have to say."
So. There is still work to be done as I am picking up on a certain reluctance to commit. The question is, how do we persuade Timbo to cross that line and buy it? I have added a link to his rather good blog, as you can see on the right. I'm thinking that might work. I will let you know if it does.

I get a sales update from the publisher

2006-11-10T12:53:00.000-08:00

Clare emails me about once a month to give me the latest news on how e-luv is doing and I heard from her yesterday. She reports that half of the initial print run has been sold "and it's only been published a few months". There have been returns, mainly, I suspect, from my favourite book chain Waterstones. Apparently, this pretty much always happens when a book has been in a promotion like 3 for 2. To help get sales moving, Friday are trying to get e-luv into some of the Valentine's Day promotions which is a fabulous idea. Other than that, it's hard to see what anyone can do - maybe just hope for the word of mouth thing to work. Or for one of the major papers or magazines to pick up on it. Or for some celeb to start raving on about it. If you can help spread the e-luv or have any ideas, do please let me know...

One of these statements is a lie - but which one?

2006-11-10T00:36:00.000-08:00

1. Sarah Jessica Parker's production company has been talking about making e-luv: The Musical for HBO.
2. I managed to convince Portsmouth Public Libaries to buy two copies of e-luv, by writing to them under four different names from four different email addresses.
3. There is a chapter in the book that makes no sense, because I meant to go back and finish it when I felt more inspired, but completely forgot.
4. The music of James Blunt (seen here in his only pose) kept me going through my darkest hours of writing e-luv. After all, who doesn't feel a little better after constantly being told they're beautiful?

Person of the Week

2006-11-08T14:13:00.000-08:00

Meet Shelley from Worthing. Before winning the coveted e-luv Person of the Week award, her main claim to fame was passing Damon from Blur in the street. Shelley not only bought e-luv (and used the last of her money to buy it), but she also read it straight away and loved it. This is why she is totally brilliant and deserving of this life-changing honour. For more on Shelley, visit her MySpace page.
Remember - if YOU want to be Person of the Week, all you have to do is tell me you've bought the book.

Things I have been doing while waiting for my book to move up from its Amazon.co.uk Sales ranking of 235,516

2006-11-06T16:28:00.000-08:00

WATCHING way too much TV. I seem to have developed an addiction to X-Factor and an unnatural liking for Eton Road, a bunch of young scallywags who appear on it.
PLAYING on a brilliant site where you put your photo up and some kind of face recognition computer trickery tells you which celeb you look like. I'm a dead ringer for Donald Sutherland, apparently, while Mrs Roberts resembles someone called Kristanna Loken.
THINKING it would be a tragedy to go through life without tasting Oatibix.
LISTENING to Recycled Air by The Postal Service, Waterfall by The Stone Roses, Yoshimi vs The Pink Robots by Flaming Lips, Born Under a Bad Sign by Richard Hawley, California Snow Story by Saint Etienne and The Dark Is Rising by Mercury Rev.
READING Temptation by Douglas Kennedy, which is as fabulous as I expected.
TRYING UNSUCCESSFULLY to get an agent.
WONDERING if anyone is buying e-luv. They certainly aren't on Amazon, Waterstone's are stocking fewer copies than before and I haven't heard from the publisher in ages.
URGING anyone who sees these cards to buy them, so I can afford to eat.

More 80s pop stars spotted in New Zealand

2006-11-02T13:17:00.001-08:00

Following my extremely successful recent post on the whereabouts of Pepsi, I can now bring you reports on two more 80s pop stars who fled to New Zealand. Alannah Currie of the Thompson Twins is now a mother against genetic engineering, and produced a billboard featuring this multi-breasted woman to make a point which is not entirely clear. Meanwhile, Roland Gift, former Fine Young Cannibal has become a gravel-voiced bank spokesman who appears in moody and stark TV commercials.

As seen on the remainder table

2006-10-30T10:35:00.000-08:00

You don't just become a D-list author overnight. First you have to go through the process of writing not-terribly-good books which, if you're lucky, struggle to get 3 figure sales. Such was the fate of my long-forgotten literary debut, An Opener's Tale, the story of a cricketer who was - you guessed it - an opener. It came out in 1986, the year Wham! broke up and was last seen on the remainder table outside the now defunct London Books in Wellington. Spookily, London Books closed down and was replaced by a cosmetic shop - where Pepsi (but not Shirlie) from Wham! now works.

reFRESH review

2006-10-26T20:07:00.000-07:00

reFRESH magazine. It's the gay lifestyle magazine which blends high culture with frankly attractive young men, like Sam who is on the cover of November's edition. But do not look at Sam. Look instead at the book review section, where you will find a pleasing review of Britain's best-loved internet romance novel. The bit I like best is where it says: "the outrageously funny writing by Dave Roberts has produced a witty and perceptive tale for our times". I have cleverly ensured the type is too small to read, meaning you will have to take my word that they really said that.

My elderly aunt reads e-luv

2006-10-26T01:47:00.001-07:00

I have a sort of pseudo aunt who is in her late seventies. When she found out I was writing a book, she insisted on ordering it from her village bookshop. As you can imagine, the idea terrified me. I told her that she'd hate it - but she would not be put off. The thought of her reading about used knickers, inept shagging and rubbish cybersex brought me out in a cold sweat. The months passed and I was beginning to think I'd got away with it. Until this morning, when I got an email from her which started "you were right when you said it was not my kind of thing". Bizarrely, she then went on to say that she really enjoyed it.
She also mentioned that she had passed it on to her friend Nora, but not to worry about lost royalties because Nora "never would have bought it".

I have no friends.

2006-10-24T19:08:00.000-07:00

I have joined MySpace. It would have been foolish for a cutting-edge media-savvy author such as myself not to. The problem is that I have embarrassingly few friends. There's just Kevin, who I've known for ages and some bloke called Murray Taylor who describes himself as a songwriter. While there is definitely potential for Murray and I to form a close relationship, we are taking things slowly. I've invited Miss Lily Allen to be my friend, as she already has 83,466 and so clearly isn't choosy.I would also like you to please be my friend. You will find me here.

Win a cyberdate with Lord Brett Sinclair.

2006-10-23T18:40:00.001-07:00

The sexy goldie looking chain. The microscopically raised eyebrow which set ladies' hearts a-flutter. Yes, it can only be the original Lord Brett Sinclair, seen here going through the evening's lady options with his American sidekick Danny Wilde. And now, in a not terribly well thought out e-luv promotional plan, readers will be able to win a cyberdate with him (or, if they prefer, Lady Gwinnivear) in an intimate chatroom for two. More details soon, unless I decide to quietly drop the idea and go off and play with my Lord Brett Sinclair toy instead.

Christmas

2006-10-19T19:45:00.000-07:00

Many of you will be wondering "what can I get Dave for Xmas?". Well, wonder no more. Today I found myself at amazon.co.uk for reasons which will be obvious to regular readers. But apart from checking my own dismal ranking, I also like to see if there's any sign of Garth Marenghi's Darkplace, the greatest comedy ever, coming out on DVD. And now it has. So even if you don't get it for me, I urge you to buy it for yourself by going here.

10 things I have learned since having my book published

2006-10-16T14:31:00.000-07:00

1. Buying several copies of your own book from amazon.co.uk at strategic times does not have a significant effect on your ranking.

2. Interviews with the press can last for the best part of an hour, giving plenty of opportunity for sparkling anecdotes, charming asides and sharing of innermost thoughts. After all that, they end up using one throwaway line.

3. For every ten people who promise faithfully they're going to buy the book, one or two actually do.

4. Google is not the best search engine to find mentions and reviews. MSN is better.

5. You get mad emails from incarcerated defrocked priests who have written conspiracy-theory books and think you can help get them published.

6. Many reviewers don't actually read the books they're reviewing.

7. Even if you proofread the book a zillion times, mistakes still creep through.

8. It is impossible to convince people that not everything in e-luv happened to me in real life and that it just happened to a fictional character called Trevor in a book.

9. When you're convinced your book will be mainly bought by men in their forties, it is disconcerting to discover that teenage girls seem to be the ones buying it.

10. Bad reviews are nowhere near as upsetting as I thought they'd be. Mind you, I've only had one so far (thanks, Luica), so this could change.

Mr Romance

2006-10-15T13:11:00.000-07:00

Contemporary romance novels. You thought they were about girls called Poppy who work at a dull provincial solicitor's office and have a series of hilarious misunderstandings before realising that the bloke they worked alongside was the love of her life all along.
Actually, that's not entirely fair. Books by some of the more entertaining authors around (Sophie Kinsella, Lisa Jewell) are put in that category. But I digress. The point is that Waterstone's website has one book to recommend to you in their romance category. And guess what it is? that's right. Singapore's best-loved internet romance novel.

Separated at birth? The Rickman debate continues.

2006-10-11T19:15:00.000-07:00

The ONLY topic of chat on the internet currently is: "Does Alan Rickman look like Dave Roberts?"
Marlina from Indonesia inadvertently reignited the controversy with her post on an Alan Rickman site, where she spoke of: "A guy called Dave from New Zealand who think he looks like Alan..
I think he did look a bit like Alan (or try to), especially his nose.. but he didn't posses the bump.. and neither does he possess the sex appeal LOL"
Well. No sex appeal? Moi? I was hurt. Outraged. So I put a post up asking what everyone else thought, in the hope of getting a few cheap compliments from an out-of-date photo that doesn't look much like me. You can see the results of my efforts here.

Person of the Week

2006-10-09T20:21:00.000-07:00

Meet Clare Christian, publishing visionary and possibly the only person (so far) to have bought thousands of copies of e-luv. Not only did she publish Britain's best-loved internet romance novel, but also the excellent Blood, Sweat and Tea, which I'd like even more if it wasn't selling more than e-luv. When she's not publishing brilliant things, Clare likes to unwind by performing minor surgical operations on herself.

Disclaimer: The obsequious tone of this blog entry is in no way connected with the fact that I will eventually be looking for a publisher for e-luv's sequel.

Reader's Review - Number 2

2006-10-06T20:25:00.001-07:00

Caroline Smailes has written a dead good review of e-luv. Here it is:

To start with, I only agreed to buy e-luv because Dave was awarding Person of the Week. And I’d never won anything before. And also I thought that he’d link me on his blogroll as a result. (He still hasn’t by the way).(I have now - Dave)
So I bought two copies. And they weren’t on 3for2. And I read e-luv. And now I want more. I want to know what happens next. I NEED TO KNOW. E-luv is strangely-addictive reading. Seriously. You can’t put it down. So buy e-luv. Switch everything off and sit on a comfy chair. Then read away.(And try not to have outlandish fantasies about Lord Brett Sinclair!) E-luv is guaranteed to make you chuckle, it’ll warm your cockles on these cold nights and it may even make you wet your pants.
My life has changed since I bought e-luv. I think that Mr Roberts is actually a jolly nice wizard man with magic powers. And then he offered me immortality if I wrote a review. So how could I resist.
So buy e-luv. Read e-luv. Write a review for e-luv. Then you can live forever, like me.

Singaporean non-lesbian cybersex

2006-10-05T22:06:00.000-07:00

This is the island of Singapore which has seen a sudden outbreak of non-lesbian cybersex, apparently prompted by the adventures of Lord Brett Sinclair in the must-have book of 2006, e-luv. I urge you to go to the site in question immediately, despite the fact it seems to encourage reading books in Borders instead of actually buying them.Those of an impatient disposition may wish to skip the first two paragraphs, but all will be explained in the third, just under the pictures.

Person of the Week

2006-10-04T22:15:00.000-07:00

She is known only as m, yet she has achieved what few others have achieved. She is the offical e-luv Person of the Week. I wish I could tell you more about him/her, but he/she is an enigma, whose use of the lower case 'm' is the only clue to his/her identity. All I know for certain is that he/she left this brilliant comment on non-working monkey's blog:
I am such a SAP! I had a look at Dave's site and the first thing I saw....an empty fridge! I felt so sorry for him I immediately ordered the book - it bloody well better be good!

A deja vu review

2006-10-04T13:43:00.000-07:00

You probably can't read this review from Knowledge, my drum'n'bass mag of choice. But it doesn't matter! That's because the content is eerily familiar. Phrases like "What happens when online dating turns out to be better than an actual human encounter?"will ring a bell with anyone who has read e-luv's back cover. The only bit that I didn't recognise was the suggestion that "You should take a look at this downright funny book".
Another review is on Trashionista, while non-working monkey who has the funniest site EVER, does her bit to help me fill my fridge.

Here's why you must buy e-luv

2006-09-26T16:35:00.000-07:00

I am so broke that I have had to sell my VERY RARE fanclub-only Saint Etienne CD, just to pay the rent. I heard from Mastercard this morning. They declined my request to increase the credit limit. Yesterday, the bank decided against giving me an overdraft. I just about have enough money left to buy food for the rest of the week. And that's it. To substantiate my 'starving artist' claim, here is my fridge. Tonight we will be having carrots and falafel. Tomorrow we will be having carrots.

Amazon isn't totally rubbish

2006-09-24T23:00:00.000-07:00

Visiting amazon.co.uk is usually a painful experience. But not today. While it is true that the book is still languishing somewhere in the 70,000s, I found consolation in the form of a fabulous review by someone calling himself alproc.

As part of my commitment to make life as easy as possible for readers of this blog, I will now give you a taste of the review headed WILDLY ENTERTAINING. A 2006 "STEALTH BEST-SELLER" IN THE U.K.:

"The writing is blisteringly funny, moving, and smart as a whip--story-telling that is droll, descriptive and effortless. And, in the modern fashion, streamlined, in small digestible sections, as if for easy email or web consumption.

Roberts' writing is at least as funny as David Sedaris, and also reminds me of the black comedy of Augusten Burroughs 2004 memoir "Dry." Actually, I think it's rather better. After 10 pages I could not put this book down, and finished its 186 pages in less than three hours. I closed it reluctantly, wishing there were more volumes from this author to dive in to.".

To read more, go here.

Jude reviews e-luv

2006-09-24T19:21:00.000-07:00

Jude is a teacher who loves Trevor (not, sadly,the Trevor of e-luv fame) and has recently acquired a mattress topper. She feeds her children Oatibix (which I'm STILL waiting for someone to send me) and is past Person of the Week. As if all that wasn't enough, she has supplied this review of Britain's best-loved internet romance novel:

e-luv made me laugh. And worried me. In almost equal measure. At the start of the novel I was reminded of Toby Young, How to Lose Friends and Alienate People. But then I was hooked. Willing you away from the computer.
And then, the end. I do hope that it worked out.
How much of it is true??? Are you going to write the sequel??? So many questions.
I suggest, if you are reading this and haven't already bought it, then go down to your local book purveyor and buy one or two, pronto.
You won't regret it.

Not even big in New Zealand

2006-09-23T15:42:00.000-07:00

Having too much time on your hands and an unquenchable desire to see your name onscreen is a lethal combination on the internet. But at least it explains why I found this website showing the relative popularity of NZ blogs. A Mr Simon Polak has a no -doubt intriguing website devoted to early flutes. It is read by approximately 3 times as many people as this one. I share 18th place with a fantastic site devoted to the North South Holiday Park in Christchurch. The hosts, John and Julie were finalists in the 2005 AA Spirit of Hospitality awards and have a certificate signed by Neville Scarlett on their homepage to prove it.

Person of the Week

2006-09-21T18:51:00.000-07:00

The waiting is over. Most of you will shortly experience a feeling of disappointment so intense that you will have to lay down in a darkened room. You will undertand how Helena felt when Connie undeservedly won "How do you solve a problem like Maria?". Because like that competition, there can be only one winner of Person of the Week. So step forward...Caroline Smailes! Yes, the author of the fantastic "In Search of Adam" has taken out literature's highest honour. You can read about Caroline's life and see a picture of her in egg-and-spoon action right here.
If you'd like to win this award, all you have to do is buy e-luv or even say you're going to buy it. The more copies you buy, the more praise you will be given.

Non-working monkey reviews e-luv

2006-09-20T21:07:00.000-07:00

Dave Roberts is a towering literary genius. And I'll tell you why.

I bought his book out of pity, if I'm honest. He left a comment on my blog about internet dating. It was nice enough, his comment, but he berated me for not having mentioned his book. I looked at his blog a bit, and then we started corresponding; I can't remember what about (probably something like "who'd win in a fight? Marmite or Vegemite?"). Inevitably (and cautiously, like the first bluebell struggling to see spring's first light in a gloomy wood), the subject came round to whether I'd read his book or not.

I tried a bit, but in the end I had to buy it. So I did, off of Amazon. Bought two by mistake, as it goes. I looked at it for a bit, then thought I might as well read it. I'd finished "A la recherche" that morning and needed a bit of light relief, to be frank. Anyway, I read it. And read it. And emailed Dave at 4 in the morning saying: for FUCK'S sake, I can't stop reading it. He didn't reply.

I finished it in about 5 hours. I read fast, you see. Then I wrote Dave an email:

Dave,
What happened? Did you meet Charlotte? Where did you meet your wife, if your wife isn't Charlotte? You can't just STOP it like that, in the middle.
Oh yeah, the book's good, by the way.
Cheers
Lucy

Dave wrote back the next morning and pointed out that he'd made most of it up in his head. I thought it was real, and I read it in one go. And for me, that means it's good.

PS I only finish books that are funny, well-written (mainly, unless I feel like cheering myself up by buying 20p chicklit books from charity shops and burning them), and clever. So I'm not sure why I liked Dave's but still, we all have our off-days.

Exciting new feature

2006-09-19T22:30:00.000-07:00

Following hot on the heels of the hugely popular "Person of the Week" award comes another new feature which is already THE topic of discussion everywhere. It's the READER'S REVIEW, where YOU get to review e-luv, and then get to see a heavily censored version appear on this site. Remember, e-luvvers, this blog is read by the most influential people in publishing and your chances of being offered a book deal on the strength of one review are very high.
As non-working monkey has let me down badly, I have been forced to turn to my wife to do the first one. Here it is:

I may have enjoyed e-luv when I initially read it, but after reading each new edited version, I'm pretty much sick to death of it. The references to women's underwear are amusing. If you're a 10-year-old boy. I found the author's reliance on flippant one-liners tiresome. And his insistence on stereotyping Americans as either trailer-trash bimbos or redneck white supremacists was offensive. On the positive side, the cover art is good.

That was Liz's review. We are no longer on speaking terms.

e-luv - the sequel

2006-09-16T16:41:00.000-07:00

I have an idea. Instead of publishing an e-luv sequel(aka Trevor Online)in the traditional way, which would mean waiting for ages to see if e-luv sells enough to justify it, I'm thinking about getting a website – www.trevoronline.com, and serialising it. I'd put up a couple of short chapters every week which people can read for free, starting in December.
I like the idea of doing it this way because the story can remain more topical, incorporating real events and the hot sites-du-jour,like Second Life. To keep it all free, I'd look at selling product placement and tying into relevant product launches such as new mobile phones, movie launches, clothing lines, energy drinks, magazines, computer games and books.
By publishing it on a website, I can show IM screens, video clips and pictures of the women Trevor is talking to, as well as play extracts of the music tapes they send each other. The latter would be a great way for record companies to launch new bands, by getting them included.
There would be a forum (or even chatroom) which would allow readers to make suggestions as to where the story goes, or just ask Trevor questions.
I'd also offer a weekly 15 minute podcast of the chapters,complete with sound effects, which would be available through the website or iTunes via Jellycast. There could even be a serialised video version of the book on YouTube, while i-cue could be approached about serialising it on mobile phones.
When the book is finished, it could then (hopefully) be published in the traditional way.
Well? What do YOU think?

Cash for honours

2006-09-13T18:12:00.000-07:00

I've decided to start a 'Person of the Week' feature on this site. Basically, all you have to do is either buy e-luv, or just say you're going to buy it. It's like the 'Cash for Honours' scheme, but will cost you only £7.99, as opposed to the £100,000 it cost millionaire Chai Patel to buy a nomination for a similarly prestigious title from Mr Blair.
It is with great pride that I award the very first 'Person of the Week' award to Jude.
I already have next week's winner, but there is a vacancy for the following week.

The good, the bad and the ugly

2006-09-11T17:21:00.000-07:00

For anyone interested in writing, as opposed to nipples, here are the good, bad and ugly things I've discovered about having a book out. I would like to point out (before anyone else does) that the "ugly" section isn't really ugly at all. It's just a contrivance to make the snappy headline work.

The good - Finding new comments or reviews most days, almost all positive. Today I found one that said "I actually have snorted in places because I found it so funny".

The bad - Going to amazon.co.uk and seeing this:
Amazon.co.uk Sales Rank: #156,789 in Books

The ugly - Agents. You'd think it would be easier to find one when you've had a book published, but it seems to make no difference.

The power of suggestion

2006-09-10T03:36:00.000-07:00

I have always been fairly suggestible.
As a teenager, my political stance on Northern Ireland was formed by listening to a Wings song. And I have always drunk Carlsberg, even though I don't like it, because I firmly believe that it's probably the best lager in the world.
It comes as no surprise, therefore, to learn that I have put the rights to e-luv up on eBay, just because an anonymous person left a message here saying they thought it was a good idea.
You can either bid on it, or just take a look here

Nipples

2006-09-07T20:03:00.000-07:00

Hidden at the bottom of this page is one of those stat counter things. It lets me know how many visitors the site has had and, as a bonus, how they came to be here. So, for example, if someone had done a Google search for "nipples", one of my early posts that happened to mention nipples would have led them to this site. It seems an entire continent has gone nipple crazy. In fact, approximately 40% of visitors are (a) American or Canadian and (b) frantically searching the internet for nipples. They care not for e-luv, which I toiled over for months on end. All they want is to see a pair of nipples. And when they don't see any, they leave. Now, I don't like to disappoint people, and I'd like them to enjoy their stay, so if it's nipples you want, I've found a fine pair for you.

By popular demand

2006-09-05T14:25:00.000-07:00

One of the most popular features of this blog is the photos of e-luv in Waterstone's 3 for 2 piles. In recent times I have been inundated with requests for more, so I sent one of my people down to King's Road, camera in hand. As you can see from the picture above, he did not disappoint. I am sure this Jane Austen person would be flattered to see her books alongside mine. I only hope someone sends her a photo.

A really bad idea

2006-09-04T21:25:00.000-07:00

Sometimes, it's best to reveal the truly awful ideas only when the urge to act on them has passed. Some background: as any regular reader will know, work had dried up for me last month and I was so broke that I had a stack of bills I couldn't pay, as well as pretty much no chance of making the rent. So I hit upon what seemed an idea of pure genius - putting the film rights to e-luv up on eBay. Not only was it relevant, dead clever and postmodern, but it would also generate huge publicity resulting in a 6-figure deal. Strangely, not one person shared my enthusiasm for this and the idea was quietly dropped.

Ciao là

2006-08-28T12:31:00.000-07:00

That's Italian for 'hello there'. Yet your favourite author does not speak the language. Instead, he uses an online translation website known as Babelfish, the very same resource which was used to translate e-luv's first review in Italian. If you happen to speak the language and have no need for comedy translation, go here.
Otherwise, this is probably as close as you're going to get to understanding a quite-possibly favourable review:
"Last book x me: "E-luv" of Dave Roberts, the experiences of Internet-employee that it passes some years of attacked life to the computer, with several consequences. I have begun little convinced, asking to me as 200 and more pages could be filled up of the sort on a argument, and waiting for something to me for taken advantage of and repetitive. Instead it slides well, and, for who it knows "the atmosphere", it is amusing and adapted.".

The Online Dating Guru

2006-08-26T13:47:00.000-07:00

Readers of this blog are people with full and busy lives. So even though they are naturally interested when I appear in an article, especially with a paper as prestigious as the Irish Independent, they may not have the time to go through the registration process. If you don't mind filling in a short form, click here - it's a really good piece and well worth it.
And if you'd rather just read the highlights (ie, the bits about ME), here they are:

"The other problem with cyber-flirting is its tendency to give rise to false impressions. Get to know someone by email and you are essentially getting to know a fantasy, a person who exists only in your imagination. Reality seldom lives up to expectations (that, after all, is why it's called reality).

"When you do finally meet, it can all fall apart - and quite often does," says Dave Roberts, author of E-Luv: An Internet Romance, a novel casting a humorous eye on the pitfalls of cyber- dating. "I know of a woman who was so repulsed by the man she'd fallen in love with through email, that she ran away the minute she saw him at the airport."

That's not to say that, when it comes to romance, the internet isn't entirely without its uses. For the terminally shy, cyber-flirtation is sometimes a godsend.

"It does seem to make relationships easier to sustain for people who are a bit shy or socially awkward," says Dave Roberts. "You tend to get a bit more adventurous when flirting and say things you wouldn't say in person. It's much less embarrassing to type something than it is to say it, especially when it's someone you haven't actually met in real life.".

e-luv calling.

2006-08-23T15:56:00.000-07:00

Mobile phones. They're not just good for txting yr m8s or making calls on the motorway and causing multiple pile-ups, y'know. Because now, you can download your favourite internet romance novel direct to your moby. Well, some of you can. Those of us with really rubbish phones (mine is pictured here) will miss out, as it gots no WAP. If you gots WAP, go to the I-CUE virtual bookstore.

Go on, have a guess.

2006-08-22T17:13:00.001-07:00

A comment was left by someone called 'Clare' on the previous post, where I asked for ideas on how to respond to my first piece of fan mail. Her (frankly brilliant) suggestion was to reply, asking him if he would like to buy another 10 copies to use as gifts for his friends.
Your mission? To guess if Clare is:
(a) Just someone who randomly stumbled across the site,
(b) A booklover with a passion for the literary output of Dave Roberts,or
(c) e-luv's publisher.

I've got mail

2006-08-22T01:29:00.000-07:00

I got my first (unsolicited) fan mail today. Well, the first that was sent absolutely spontaneously and not as the result of heavy hints. He (Tony), thanked me for such an enjoyable read and even offered ideas for a sequel.
Here's the problem. Do I reply, with a long outpouring of gratitude for his kind words and ask him if he can lend me some money? Or do I act as though this sort of thing happens all the time and just send a quick note thanking him for his interest?

Libraries. They're brilliant, aren't they?

2006-08-20T13:58:00.000-07:00

I have uncovered a new magnificent resource here, which allows me to monitor e-luv's public library activity in nearly EVERY SINGLE borough.
Who could have known that a seemingly innocuous website could provide so much drama?
For example, WHO is the Coventry citizen who has put in an order for e-luv? And WHY have Belfast decided not to buy it? WHY is it still on the shelf in Leeds' posher suburbs but on loan in the dodgier ones? Ditto Manchester. And WHY are Kingston, Camden and Barnet so much more enlightened than their counterparts, in offering their customers/clients/users Britain's best-loved internet romance novel?