Realise your potential with Dave Roberts!

Look, it's Anthony Robbins - a man who can unleash the unlimited power that lurks deep within you!
See Fiona Harrold? She can help you take control of your life and achieve your WILDEST DREAMS! ( I hope not, because mine was about being chased by a man-sized rabbit on a skateboard).
Excessive exclamation marks! Titles like "the handbook for life" and " the rules of success"!
It must be the psychology section at Books etc. Which doesn't really explain what Britain's best-loved internet romance novel is doing there. Or does it? You have the answer inside you. And I can help you find it.

Extreme prejudice

Like Jack Reacher, the star of Lee Child's novels, I am a dark, brooding loner who sometimes has to step outside the law to get results. I don't go looking for trouble, but trouble has a habit of looking for me.
Case in point:
My man who is responsible for monitoring all shops in the North West filed a report that Borders at Cheshire Oaks (between Chester and Ellesmere Port) had 6 copies of e-luv on the shelf, which was more than any other book apart from Harry Potter.
You can see the problem, can't you?
That's right. He failed to supply a photo. Sloppy. Unprofessional. He has been terminated.

e-luv appoints advertising agency

Digital Agency has won the lucrative contract to promote e-luv using that mysterious marketing tool known only as "web 2.0". Apart from having THE most brilliant publicity idea I've ever heard ( they won't let me reveal it just yet ), they have loads of other plans ( which they also won't let me reveal ). This is how it was announced on their company blog, which I urge you to check out. And that's not just because it mentions ME ME ME :

How much is that e-luv in the window?

The Waterstone's branch in George Street, Edinburgh. A beautiful Saturday morning in the middle of Summer. Britain's best-loved internet romance novel nestles happily alongside some wonderful books as well as one by Jeremy Clarkson.

They like me. They really like me.

Another review, this time from undergroundscene.co.uk. If you can't read it, here's the Reader's Digest version:
"A great little book..comical..found myself giggling..managed to finish it off in less than 3 hours on the train.".

Big Issue - Big review.

My new favourite magazine is The Big Issue. Not only was there a quote from e-luv on the cover (the post-it note in the middle), but the review inside made up over half of an article called 'Love on the Line' . This described the book as "a grotesque, slightly queasy-making romp through the hilarious, messy and sometimes sordid world of chatroom life.". If you want to know what else it says, you'll have to hold a magnifying glass up to the screen, since technical incompetence prevents me from posting a more readable version. Or you could just take my word that it's good. Actually, I'd rather you did, because I don't want you reading the bit about the journalist and publicist conspiring to expose a mild deception I allegedy carried out in the distant past.

Here are the news headlines

Sources report that e-luv selling well in Edinburgh and Leeds, but badly in Birmingham.

BOING

One of Books etc 's London branches decides that Britain's best-loved internet romance novel belongs downstairs in the psychology section.

BOING

"Amazon is rubbish" says author of book in 148,506th place, " as is Birmingham".

BOING

One of the few people not on the e-luv payroll leaves positive review on Amazon.

BOING

Blogger gets more enquiries about his nipples than he does about his book.

BOING

Author gets busted for trying to promote book in forum. He makes his excuses and leaves.

BOING

And in sport, the father of one of England's few World Cup successes rushes out to buy a copy of e-luv as soon as he hears about it.

Why do my nipples hurt?

"Why do my nipples hurt? was Star's first thought as she woke from a strangely deep sleep, her hands gliding along her naked body to the tender nipples that had awakened her.".

That is the opening line to Star Struck by Pamela Anderson.

"So there I was: naked, screaming and covered in a thick, gooey substance.".

That is the opening line to Keeping it Real by Jodie Marsh.

Both of these books are outselling e-luv. It's enough to make my nipples hurt.

Free-luv

If, like most people, you subscribe to Prizes Galore, you will already know that there are 5 copies of Britain's best-loved internet romance novel to be won this week or month or however often it comes out.

And if, like most people, your first stop on the internet every day is www.enchantedentertainment.co.uk you will have already read THIS about Britain's best-loved internet romance novel:

e-luv is a book that a lot of us internet minded people can identify with.Delving into the world of the internet head on and tackling some of the lesser talked about 'activities' that take place on line, e-luv is not only a great and entertaining read, but it has some genuinely funny and all too true parts to its story. Dave Roberts has managed to put an original spin on the world of online dating and has pulled it off brilliantly.

Remember me?

I have a new sales strategy.

It involves digging deep into the past, tracking down people with whom I ever had any form of contact and sending them an email.

The list includes old babysitters, friends of friends, former workmates and a bloke I once set on fire

After a few well-chosen phrases like " It's been AGES since I heard from you" and " I've been wondering what happened to you after we lost contact", I casually mention I have a book out.

At this point, I drop any pretence of actually being interested in their lives and move in for the hard sell, by not just telling them about the book, but helpfully listing all the shops in their area which are stocking it.

At the bottom of the email, just in case they've missed the point, is an unnecessarily large close-up of e-luv on display in Waterstone's in Wrexham.

Pictures of e-luv

In order to satisfy my monstrous ego, I have employed an army of photographers in every city and town in the country. Their mission? To spend 8 hours each day scouring bookshops and taking pictures of e-luv whenever they find it. The first results came in today, when this display was spotted at Waterstones in Manchester.

Casting Trevor

In my many idle moments, I like to think of who would be cast as Trevor in the inevitable film version of e-luv. After considering the merits of many who will be begging me, schmoozing me and hinting in the press about how much they'd like to work with me, I have decided only one man is up to the job. Johnny Vegas, seen here trying out the famous "Trevor in the bath" scene, from page 26 of the book.
Of course, if Hollywood puts in a better offer, I expect Trevor will end up looking like the other bloke, and that the story will be changed to that of a man who hits rock bottom but overcomes all his obstacles by swapping snappy one-liners with a variety of perfect women online, and ends up learning a lot about himself.