The plan that backfired.

It seemed a good idea at the time. To ask people if they could put up e-luv reviews on Amazon. The result was one review from Mr C Macdonald, who hated the book. In the spirit of bringing you the bad reviews as well as the good, here's what he had to say:

I'd heard a lot of good reviews about this book, so I decided to get it myself. Sadly though, it left a lot to be desired. It took a while to get started and once it had, it was on an endless loop of the same lines and scenarios.

Not really that entertaining to read. If it had been more fact than fiction and stereotypes, then it would have made for an exhilarating read. Unfortunately, it didn't live up to the expectations and the reviews I had previously read.

Mind you, I think I got off relatively lightly. The magnificent "Confessions of a chatroom freak" by Mr Biffo, which is one of the funniest books you'll ever read was described in less than glowing terms by the same critic thus:

I can sum up this book in one word, "dull." Not only does it claim to be something that it's not, it's incredibly predictable and repetitive. The author seems to think he is some sort of comedic genius. I grew tired of the "character" after the first few pages. It wasn't a funny concept to begin with, but he still managed to churn out the same selfless bile, page after page.

He was no more gentle on Hard Candy, a film I rather liked, calling it the worst film in history, going on to say:

As far as I'm aware this film didn't have much in the way of a plot. I'm guessing the crew just filmed it on the spur of the moment. It's VERY predictable from the off and the ending, well you can see that coming a mile off.
As for the dodgy editing, that kinda gives up after the first few attempts at trying to build the suspense.
I expected the film to be better, given the reviews. Now that I've seen it, I'm beginning to wish I hadn't bothered watching it. It was a complete waste of time.

e-luv for sale. Possibly.

e-luv's publisher, The Friday Project has gone into liquidation.I think this means that the rights to the book come back to me. The reason I can't be more sure about this is that they haven't actually told me what's going on, despite claims by Commercial Director Scott Pack to have contacted all Friday Project authors and despite several emails to Managing Director Clare Christian.
So if you're a publisher, who is still trying to come to terms with missing out on e-luv first time round, you've now possibly got a second chance. Contact me at dave at stripeyjumper.com
Meanwhile in other news..

Author Chat

The writer of your favourite internet romance novel (that'd be me) is answering questions and talking about the writing of the book on readitswapit.co.uk, a website for discerning book people. It's on Thursday 29 April at 8 PM GMT. Which is 7 in the morning here in New Zealand, a time I am unlikely to be coherent.
Read more about it here

Person of the week

The lovely Kate Meduna, a Russian reader who has offered to send me a copy of "My girlfriend lives in a Network", the Russian translation of e-luv. I look forward to leaving it casually placed on the coffee table.

New book

My next book, The Bromley Boys, comes out in August. It's about growing up in the 70s supporting Britain's worst football team. It's packed with teenage angst and is available for pre-order on Amazon here

Amazon

If you enjoyed e-luv, please fell free to give it a review on Amazon here. I'll be so grateful, I'll come round to your house and cook you dinner. If you hated it, please don't leave a review.

Just when you thought it was over..

Fifteen months have passed since e-luv came out and it's now vanished from the shops and languishing in the lower 200,000s on Amazon.
But something strange has been happening for the past few months - I seem to be seeing more reviews and getting more emails about it than I did when it was on the shelves.
Recently, I found this:

Then there was this:

And this:

And this:

And this from a MySpace profile:

Why is this happening? anyone got any ideas?

Incredibly exciting new blog

Is your life nothing but one giant loose end now that the e-luv blog has curled up and died?
Do not worry. In its place is the very fantastic www.loveandsexonline.blogspot.com which features incredibly interesting stories from the grubby online world inhabited by Trevor, the hero of e-luv.
No-one has actually been to the site yet so you'll be the first. Then you can tell all your friends and before you know it, I'll have visitors in double figures.
Hurrah!

Exclusive e-luv bonus!

Yes, it's e-luv's first ever rejection letter from HarperCollins in New Zealand. It's dated 10 April 2001, which was apparently the last time I tidied my desk because that was where I found it.
They found the scenario "a bit tacky" and they didn't care for the story.
Quite right, too. It's exploitative pornography of the worst kind.

There's some bad news - and some good news

Hello. Thanks for dropping in, but I'm afraid everyone has packed up and gone home. The e-luv blog is no more. But don't look so sad - you can read about Dave Roberts' fabulous new book and find out what else he's up to by clicking HERE.

The final chapter

With e-luv drifting into the low 200,000s on Amazon and no longer on the shelves of most shops, it seems the right time to bring your favourite blog to an end.
While I have been disappointed with sales, it's been brilliant having a book out and casually dropping into every conversation that I'm a published author.
It's meant I've got another book deal and, at last, an agent. Friday Project have been great to work with and one day, there may well be a sequel - but not yet.
The best part has definitely been the comments people like Timbo, Caroline, Julia, Ms Melancholy, Rex, NWM, the Clares, Debi, Dinah, Fwengebola, Amy, Donna etc have left on this blog. And the emails I've had from the few who read e-luv.
So buy Caroline's book. Buy Biffo's book. But more importantly, if you haven't read it, buy MY book.
There are plenty of copies available.
I'll be trying the blog experiment again with my next book - if you want to know where to find it, email me at stripeyjumper@paradise.net.nz and I'll let you know when it starts. As a special bonus, here's a picture of me and Mrs Roberts.
I must go now, before I get too emotional. Bye.

Best video ever.

While researching for my next book (ie, looking for ideas to steal), I came across this fantastic footage of clips taken from 1980s dating videos. I felt compelled to share it with you.

Person of the Week

Meet Arianne Sherine, who is a proper writer for the telly, including the second series of 'Two pints of lager and a packet of crisps'. She wrote to sat that she loved e-luv, calling it "hugely entertaining and eminently readable". She went on to say that she laughed out loud several times, which is rare for her.
And THEN she called me "immensely talented". I like Arianne. She could well become my new best friend.

The mansion will have to wait.

I have had to downsize my plans on what to do with my first royalty cheque from e-luv. After hearing how much it will be, the mansion in the South of France has been put on hold and instead I will be using it to pay a month's rent on my sparsely-furnished bungalow in a once-fashionable suburb of Wellington.
Still, the cheque does mean that I've earned around £1.25 an hour from writing the book, so technically, I am a professional author. Even if I do get paid less than my son, who delivers pizzas.

Email of the day

Hello,
just been reading your blogspot....I wanted to say how much I enjoyed reading your book, best one I have read in months. I was introduced to this book by my sister who had it selected for her by her 3 year old daughter because she liked the cover. As it was a library book, I am forced to return it...so now I will go straight to Amazon and buy myself a copy.
Hurry up with the sequel, I am a greedy and impatient reader. Got to go, my youngest is being traumatized by a sticky bagel.



Fiona

How not to write a book

I have started work on the e-luv sequel and it is, quite frankly, brilliant. Actually, it's currently known as re-luv, which means that Clare Weber won the naming competition from a few weeks ago and I forgot to mention it. Anyway, progress would be a lot quicker if I could avoid the following habits:

* Jumping out of my chair every time I write a line I think is really good and reading it out to whoever is in the room. And then sulking if they don't laugh.

* Taking a break every 5 minutes so I can check the latest football news as well as seeing who has visited this blog.

* Deciding that writing is just too hard and that staring vacantly at the screen is far easier.

* Spending hours compiling music playlists, often around a pointless theme such as "songs by 80s bands with insane haircuts".

* Checking emails every couple of minutes. Despite the fact I know there won't be any, because if there WAS one, I'd already know thanks to the "new mail alert" sound.

Re-luv will probably be in the shops around July 2015.

Person of the Week

It's sexy sex writer, Emily Dubberley, who read e-luv and said "I thought the whole book was ace. Read it in one sitting - it is very funny/poignant/well written".
This is particularly good because Emily is a proper writer who has written loads of books, founded a sexy sex magazine and somehow manages to write for the Guardian AND the Daily Star.
Check out her websites here and here.
I also like the fact that her name is very difficult to say 5 times quickly.

Why I love Google

My latest e-luv Google session, which is basically a desperate search for praise, has returned the following results:

A South African man whose favourite books are 1984, Animal Farm, To Kill a Mockingbird and...ummm... e-luv: an internet romance.

A woman who snorted on the train home to Glasgow as she was reading it.

An embarrassing Metro article that I've been trying to forget.

A list of new books in Vancouver Public Library (January 7-13 2007), which includes e-luv.

A list of ifyourcuteimsingle's favourite books

A Canadian man giving one of the more serious reviews the book has had.