Setting a fine example

This was an email from my sort-of-brother-in-law (first wife's sister's husband, if you must know). I think you should all follow his lead.

"Just to let you know Borders in Leeds had six copies of e-luv on the 20th December and they had sold out by the 24th - I did help by leaving them in a prominent position. Should be a good xmas increase in sales".

THE E-LUV HONOURS LIST 2006

Despite today being one of the most hideous in living memory (had to sell car to pay the rent) , I present the much-anticipated round-up of 2006, honouring the year's best. I was going to post this a few days ago, but the internet has been down because someone drove a truck over a cable.




LADYBLOG OF THE YEAR

Non-working Monkey. Never a dull post, as she covers a variety of topics including plaster knobs, insane garderners, twatty neighbours and avoiding work. Someone give her a book deal.

MANBLOG OF THE YEAR

Fwengibola's blog is magnificent. It's addictive and unflinchingly honest. Far better than those books which claim to give an insight into the workings of the male mind and end up doing no such thing. It is also VERY funny.

BOOK OF THE YEAR APART FROM E-LUV

The best thing I've read all year is The Mayor of Lexington Avenue by James Sheehan which would probably be categorised as a legal thriller, but it's much, much better than that. It was dead exciting and dragged me in completely.

TV OF THE YEAR

Truly, Madly, Deeply - a funny and moving documentary about a dating service for those who would never be allowed anywhere near a conventional dating agency. Runner up: Young@heart, where a choir of senior citizens covered songs by Sonic Youth, James Brown, and The Clash (or as one of the grannies called them, "Crash").

FILM OF THE YEAR

Kenny. Despite being Australian and therefore, inevitably packed with toilet gags, it somehow managed to be laugh-out-loud funny with the most endearing lead character I've seen in ages. He would be a great Trevor in e-luv: The Movie. As would the bloke who wrestled naked with Borat, in my second favourite film of the year.

CD OF THE YEAR

Was Saint Etienne's Tales from Turnpike House this year or last? I can't remember. If it was 2006, then it is this year's best. If it was 2005, I shall go for the Handsome Family's Last Days of Wonder for the words, voice and tunes.

SONG OF THE YEAR

Resisting the temptation to be willfully obscure, the winner is LDN by Lily Allen, because it makes me smile - even when hearing it for the 1000th time. I also liked Hypnotised by Aberfeldy, Kathryn Williams' fab version of Thirteen, My Cosmic Autumn Rebellion by Flaming Lips and Made up Love Song by the Guillemots.

BOOK IDEA OF THE YEAR

Go into a chatroom pretending to be a girl. Get blokes to say humiliating and incriminatory things. Put it out as a book. Dress as a woman for the cover. Wish I'd thought of it, but Biffo did and it comes out in 2007, through the fabulous Friday Books. I hate Biffo.

BEST E-LUV THING TO HAPPEN OF THE YEAR

Having e-luv in the window of Waterstone's in Edinburgh, alongside The Kite Runner. Truly my 15 minutes.

TWAT OF THE YEAR

The bloke who drove his truck over the cable.

PERSON OF THE YEAR

My wife, Liz. For putting up with yet another 12 months of promises that things will get better, without complaining. 2007 will be our year, I promise.

All around the world

Yes, it's the title of an obscure song by the Jam, of which I am extremely fond. But it also conveys the fact that I have been cybertraveling the globe in search of praise for Amazon's 236,340th bestselling book. First stop Australia, where Miss T has been reading and blogging about it. Best quote? "It's sort of like Dr Zhivago with Alan Rickman and loads of wanking". Next, it is on to Canada, where Dinah also had some very nice things to say. Best quote? "I considered putting it on my Christmas list, but ultimately I decided that I did not want my parents buying a book with a speedo-ed man on the cover". Finally, Malaysia, where Sharlini enjoyed the book in its downloaded PDF format. Best quote? "It’s hilarious, but I’m not too sure about the ending".
Oh no. She didn't like the ending? A question for those who have read it - did you like the ending?

Online monitoring

Isn't the internet brilliant? I can sit here in my squalid suburban home and keep track of e-luv activity around the world. My latest discovery, thanks to Dinah of Toronto, is the Chapters Indigo website. They're Canada's biggest bookstore chain and have a feature which lets you see stock levels in all their branches. Which is how I know that Chapters on Broadway in Vancouver have 7 copies in store and all the others have anything between 2 and 6. As luck would have it, Waterstone's in the UK give you similar information, although they seem unable to explain the huge popularity of e-luv in Truro and Hitchin. You'll be pleased to know that a total of 174 Waterstone's stores stock the book. I should know. I counted them.

Person of the week

The voting lines are closed. The decison has been made. In no particular order, the number of votes cast were Timbo 3, Elvis 6, Eton Road 1 and Donna 27. I am proud (but not half as proud as she is feeling right now, I'd imagine) to pronounce Donna from Dulwich as Person of the Week. Her deeds are certainly worth recounting - she has bought several copies of the book, she has offered to send a photo of both her dogs reading e-luv and she has offered to stalk all bookshops within a 2 mile radius of her workplace to count the number of copies on display. Bask in the glory, Donna, for it is luxuriant yet fleeting.

I get reviewed by a cartoon character

Claris models for a fabulous range of greeting cards, which you can enjoy here. She (or possibly her real-life alter ego) and I have become friends, and the conversation inevitably led to one thing. How brilliant e-luv is. She was intrigued and ordered it from Amazon. I was a little nervous, for in real life, Claris is a successful writer of sitcoms. But I need not have worried. Her (highly edited) verdict? "It's hugely entertaining and eminently readable. I laughed out loud (no pun intended) several times, which is rare for me."

Timbo puts the pressure on

Timbo is trailing badly in his bid to become the next Person of the Week. Frankly, no-one has voted for Timbo at all - not even Timbo, who inexplicably gave his vote to Eton Road. All of which means he is currently in fourth place behind Donna, Elvis and Eton Road. But he is fighting back, by posting this fantastic photo on his blog. I like it so much I am going to vote for him.

Like X-Factor only better

Two people are lobbying hard to be named as the next Person of the Week. But there can be only one winner - and you get to vote on who it should be. Will it be Donna, shown here sandwiched between Elvis Presley ( probably an imposter) and her husband? Or will it be Timbo, who claims to have bought the book, but has yet to provide any solid evidence? Donna feels she deserves the honour because " Not only did I buy the book four months ago, I have also bought TWO further copies for Xmas presents for people. And I forced my husband to read it. And he liked it and recommended Mark Benton for the lead role in the inevitable film version.". Timbo's claim is short and to the point. He wrote "I NOMINATE MYSELF COS, YOU KNOW, I OWN YOUR BOOK.".
Well, who will it be? Donna or Timbo? Vote NOW.

The perfect Xmas gift

I was looking on Amazon for some gift ideas, when this book caught my eye. It's called e-luv:an internet romance and looks really funny. I've actually read it about a dozen times now and each time I find something new. It is a multilayered work of pathos mixed with comedy and I can think of nothing that would make a person happier than to wake up on Christmas morning and unwrap this. They will love you even more deeply than they currently love you..

Person of the Week

She goes under the name of Fussybitch but I suspect her real name is Angela. She likes corsets but doesn't like dentists. And most importantly, she really enjoyed e-luv and will be buying it for her friends at Christmas. This is the calibre of person I want on this site. Perceptive, generous and discerning. Remember, if YOU want to be a future Person of the Week, all you have to do is buy the book or just claim you're going to buy it.