As seen on the remainder table

You don't just become a D-list author overnight. First you have to go through the process of writing not-terribly-good books which, if you're lucky, struggle to get 3 figure sales. Such was the fate of my long-forgotten literary debut, An Opener's Tale, the story of a cricketer who was - you guessed it - an opener. It came out in 1986, the year Wham! broke up and was last seen on the remainder table outside the now defunct London Books in Wellington. Spookily, London Books closed down and was replaced by a cosmetic shop - where Pepsi (but not Shirlie) from Wham! now works.

reFRESH review

reFRESH magazine. It's the gay lifestyle magazine which blends high culture with frankly attractive young men, like Sam who is on the cover of November's edition. But do not look at Sam. Look instead at the book review section, where you will find a pleasing review of Britain's best-loved internet romance novel. The bit I like best is where it says: "the outrageously funny writing by Dave Roberts has produced a witty and perceptive tale for our times". I have cleverly ensured the type is too small to read, meaning you will have to take my word that they really said that.

My elderly aunt reads e-luv

I have a sort of pseudo aunt who is in her late seventies. When she found out I was writing a book, she insisted on ordering it from her village bookshop. As you can imagine, the idea terrified me. I told her that she'd hate it - but she would not be put off. The thought of her reading about used knickers, inept shagging and rubbish cybersex brought me out in a cold sweat. The months passed and I was beginning to think I'd got away with it. Until this morning, when I got an email from her which started "you were right when you said it was not my kind of thing". Bizarrely, she then went on to say that she really enjoyed it.
She also mentioned that she had passed it on to her friend Nora, but not to worry about lost royalties because Nora "never would have bought it".

I have no friends.

I have joined MySpace. It would have been foolish for a cutting-edge media-savvy author such as myself not to. The problem is that I have embarrassingly few friends. There's just Kevin, who I've known for ages and some bloke called Murray Taylor who describes himself as a songwriter. While there is definitely potential for Murray and I to form a close relationship, we are taking things slowly. I've invited Miss Lily Allen to be my friend, as she already has 83,466 and so clearly isn't choosy.I would also like you to please be my friend. You will find me here.

Win a cyberdate with Lord Brett Sinclair.

The sexy goldie looking chain. The microscopically raised eyebrow which set ladies' hearts a-flutter. Yes, it can only be the original Lord Brett Sinclair, seen here going through the evening's lady options with his American sidekick Danny Wilde. And now, in a not terribly well thought out e-luv promotional plan, readers will be able to win a cyberdate with him (or, if they prefer, Lady Gwinnivear) in an intimate chatroom for two. More details soon, unless I decide to quietly drop the idea and go off and play with my Lord Brett Sinclair toy instead.

Christmas

Many of you will be wondering "what can I get Dave for Xmas?". Well, wonder no more. Today I found myself at amazon.co.uk for reasons which will be obvious to regular readers. But apart from checking my own dismal ranking, I also like to see if there's any sign of Garth Marenghi's Darkplace, the greatest comedy ever, coming out on DVD. And now it has. So even if you don't get it for me, I urge you to buy it for yourself by going here.

10 things I have learned since having my book published

1. Buying several copies of your own book from amazon.co.uk at strategic times does not have a significant effect on your ranking.

2. Interviews with the press can last for the best part of an hour, giving plenty of opportunity for sparkling anecdotes, charming asides and sharing of innermost thoughts. After all that, they end up using one throwaway line.

3. For every ten people who promise faithfully they're going to buy the book, one or two actually do.

4. Google is not the best search engine to find mentions and reviews. MSN is better.

5. You get mad emails from incarcerated defrocked priests who have written conspiracy-theory books and think you can help get them published.

6. Many reviewers don't actually read the books they're reviewing.

7. Even if you proofread the book a zillion times, mistakes still creep through.

8. It is impossible to convince people that not everything in e-luv happened to me in real life and that it just happened to a fictional character called Trevor in a book.

9. When you're convinced your book will be mainly bought by men in their forties, it is disconcerting to discover that teenage girls seem to be the ones buying it.

10. Bad reviews are nowhere near as upsetting as I thought they'd be. Mind you, I've only had one so far (thanks, Luica), so this could change.

Mr Romance

Contemporary romance novels. You thought they were about girls called Poppy who work at a dull provincial solicitor's office and have a series of hilarious misunderstandings before realising that the bloke they worked alongside was the love of her life all along.
Actually, that's not entirely fair. Books by some of the more entertaining authors around (Sophie Kinsella, Lisa Jewell) are put in that category. But I digress. The point is that Waterstone's website has one book to recommend to you in their romance category. And guess what it is? that's right. Singapore's best-loved internet romance novel.

Separated at birth? The Rickman debate continues.

The ONLY topic of chat on the internet currently is: "Does Alan Rickman look like Dave Roberts?"
Marlina from Indonesia inadvertently reignited the controversy with her post on an Alan Rickman site, where she spoke of: "A guy called Dave from New Zealand who think he looks like Alan..
I think he did look a bit like Alan (or try to), especially his nose.. but he didn't posses the bump.. and neither does he possess the sex appeal LOL"
Well. No sex appeal? Moi? I was hurt. Outraged. So I put a post up asking what everyone else thought, in the hope of getting a few cheap compliments from an out-of-date photo that doesn't look much like me. You can see the results of my efforts here.

Person of the Week

Meet Clare Christian, publishing visionary and possibly the only person (so far) to have bought thousands of copies of e-luv. Not only did she publish Britain's best-loved internet romance novel, but also the excellent Blood, Sweat and Tea, which I'd like even more if it wasn't selling more than e-luv. When she's not publishing brilliant things, Clare likes to unwind by performing minor surgical operations on herself.


Disclaimer: The obsequious tone of this blog entry is in no way connected with the fact that I will eventually be looking for a publisher for e-luv's sequel.

Reader's Review - Number 2

Caroline Smailes has written a dead good review of e-luv. Here it is:

To start with, I only agreed to buy e-luv because Dave was awarding Person of the Week. And I’d never won anything before. And also I thought that he’d link me on his blogroll as a result. (He still hasn’t by the way).(I have now - Dave)
So I bought two copies. And they weren’t on 3for2. And I read e-luv. And now I want more. I want to know what happens next. I NEED TO KNOW. E-luv is strangely-addictive reading. Seriously. You can’t put it down. So buy e-luv. Switch everything off and sit on a comfy chair. Then read away.(And try not to have outlandish fantasies about Lord Brett Sinclair!) E-luv is guaranteed to make you chuckle, it’ll warm your cockles on these cold nights and it may even make you wet your pants.
My life has changed since I bought e-luv. I think that Mr Roberts is actually a jolly nice wizard man with magic powers. And then he offered me immortality if I wrote a review. So how could I resist.
So buy e-luv. Read e-luv. Write a review for e-luv. Then you can live forever, like me.

Singaporean non-lesbian cybersex

This is the island of Singapore which has seen a sudden outbreak of non-lesbian cybersex, apparently prompted by the adventures of Lord Brett Sinclair in the must-have book of 2006, e-luv. I urge you to go to the site in question immediately, despite the fact it seems to encourage reading books in Borders instead of actually buying them.Those of an impatient disposition may wish to skip the first two paragraphs, but all will be explained in the third, just under the pictures.

Person of the Week

She is known only as m, yet she has achieved what few others have achieved. She is the offical e-luv Person of the Week. I wish I could tell you more about him/her, but he/she is an enigma, whose use of the lower case 'm' is the only clue to his/her identity. All I know for certain is that he/she left this brilliant comment on non-working monkey's blog:
I am such a SAP! I had a look at Dave's site and the first thing I saw....an empty fridge! I felt so sorry for him I immediately ordered the book - it bloody well better be good!

A deja vu review

You probably can't read this review from Knowledge, my drum'n'bass mag of choice. But it doesn't matter! That's because the content is eerily familiar. Phrases like "What happens when online dating turns out to be better than an actual human encounter?"will ring a bell with anyone who has read e-luv's back cover. The only bit that I didn't recognise was the suggestion that "You should take a look at this downright funny book".
Another review is on Trashionista, while non-working monkey who has the funniest site EVER, does her bit to help me fill my fridge.