An exclusive interview with Dave Roberts

Since no-one has interviewed me for months, and since no-one has shown any interest in interviewing me, I have decided to interview myself, asking the tough questions that YOU demand the answers to.

So Dave, how's it going?

Not bad, thanks.

What kind of music does a top author like yourself listen to while writing?

Good question. My current playlist has Saint Etienne, the Handsome Family, Eno, Babybird, Grandaddy, Billy Bragg and Bucks Fizz.

Dave, the sequel to e-luv is eagerly awaited by literally thousands of people. When will it be finished?

I'm planning on having it done by early next year. Due to having a zero attention span, I'm writing two more books at the same time - and jumping from one to another.

That's great. Talking of books, are there any you're particularly looking forward to reading this year?

Why yes, there are. In Search of Adam by Caroline Smailes and Confessions of a Chatroom Freak by Biffo both look fabulous.

What's in your fridge currently?

A half-eaten can of kidney beans and some cauliflower.

Has anyone sent you any Oatibix yet?

No. But they really should since it is compatible with the hideous diet I am on.

When's your birthday?

Funny you should mention that - it's tomorrow, March 1st.

Dave, I know your time is extremely valuable, so I'll wind it up there. Thanks very much for talking to me.

No problem.

Think of a name for the e-luv sequel and be in it

I can't think of a title for the e-luv sequel apart from "e-luv: the sequel", which I concede is not terribly good.
So here's my plan - if you can come up with a better one then I'll name a character in the book after you. I promise that it'll be a really goodlooking and funny character who will do nothing embarrassing.
Post your title here or email it to me. The winner will be announced in about a week, unless no-one enters, in which case I'm stuck with "e-luv: the sequel", and you wouldn't want that, would you?

The chances of e-luv being a bestseller are slim

They are 10.2% to be precise. That is, according to this website which analyses titles of books and then tells whether or not it will top the New York Times Bestseller List.
"It guessed right in nearly 70% of cases," says Dr Atai Winkler, who worked on the project. "Given the nature of the data and the way tastes change, this is very good — better than we might have expected."
So I am left on 10.2%, then. The same as The Da Vinci Code.

Sex scenes

There's a fantastic scene in Showgirls, where Kyle Maclaughlin and Elizabeth Berkeley are having sex in a swimming pool. Suddenly, and for no apparent reason, Elizabeth starts flailing, splashing, arching her back and impersonating a dolphin having an epileptic fit. I only mention this because really bad sex scenes seem to be something I specialise in, too. It's not deliberate - I really DO try to make them convincing, but I just find them really hard. So having promised a couple of readers (you know who you are) that there will be lots of smut in the next book, I am going to have to find a way round this problem. Anyone got any ideas?

Another e-luv is coming your way

Yes, I have decided to write a sequel to Britain's best-loved internet romance novel. The reasons for this change of heart aren't entirely clear. I've definitely been re-energised by TFP's decision to republish e-luv with a new cover - I think that could really make a big difference. I also like the fact that around 30 people (OK, I know it's not many but it is to ME) have written asking if there was going to be a sequel. But most of all, if I'm honest, it's down to ego. I LIKE seeing my name on a book in the shops and reading reviews. Well, most of them anyway.
It is early days. As yet there is no publisher, only a vague plot and a couple of chapters. But at least I have a photo for the dust jacket, which I stole from a proper writer's website - isn't he a sexy beast?

Person of the Week

Frankly, this week's winner is something of an enigma. Despite extensive research, I have been unable to uncover much about her, other than the name she goes under (Miss T) and the MSN name she uses (Miss Haversham). She is possibly a teacher, almost certainly lives in Sydney, Australia and definitely went to see the Scissor Sisters a few nights ago.
She writes about her life in the magnificently-named T-Bird's Supreme Megatron Optimus Prime Number One Mecha Party Good Times Laser Blog!
She has, of course, read e-luv. Not only did she give it a very good review, but she also linked to this site with the words "READ IT!!! This book warmed the cold, cold cockles of my heart".
Miss T, I wish I could know more about you....

e-luv 1 Ashley Cole 0

There are not many books that have been outsold by e-luv. So you can imagine my delight on reading that last summer's self-serving, greed-fuelled extended whine by England footballer Ashley Cole had sold all of 2,400 copies. Among the revelations found inside are the fact that he was so incandescent with rage when told that his club had only offered him £55,000 a week (he was talking to his agent on his mobile at the time) that he had to pull his car over to the side of the road.
I wouldn't like to be the one who has to tell him the size of his book royalty cheque.

Is this a good cover?

Does the cover of e-luv stand out? Does it make you want to pick the book up? I actually like it, but have been aware for some time that while it's stylishly tasteful, it doesn't really hypnotise people into thinking " I must buy this". Anyway the point is that Friday Books have come to the same conclusion and decided to republish e-luv with a new cover, once they've managed to get rid of the current unsold stock (which is probably taking up entire floors at Friday Books Towers). What do you think? Will a new cover make a difference and rescue me from obscurity?