Ciao là

That's Italian for 'hello there'. Yet your favourite author does not speak the language. Instead, he uses an online translation website known as Babelfish, the very same resource which was used to translate e-luv's first review in Italian. If you happen to speak the language and have no need for comedy translation, go here.
Otherwise, this is probably as close as you're going to get to understanding a quite-possibly favourable review:
"Last book x me: "E-luv" of Dave Roberts, the experiences of Internet-employee that it passes some years of attacked life to the computer, with several consequences. I have begun little convinced, asking to me as 200 and more pages could be filled up of the sort on a argument, and waiting for something to me for taken advantage of and repetitive. Instead it slides well, and, for who it knows "the atmosphere", it is amusing and adapted.".

The Online Dating Guru

Readers of this blog are people with full and busy lives. So even though they are naturally interested when I appear in an article, especially with a paper as prestigious as the Irish Independent, they may not have the time to go through the registration process. If you don't mind filling in a short form, click here - it's a really good piece and well worth it.
And if you'd rather just read the highlights (ie, the bits about ME), here they are:



"The other problem with cyber-flirting is its tendency to give rise to false impressions. Get to know someone by email and you are essentially getting to know a fantasy, a person who exists only in your imagination. Reality seldom lives up to expectations (that, after all, is why it's called reality).

"When you do finally meet, it can all fall apart - and quite often does," says Dave Roberts, author of E-Luv: An Internet Romance, a novel casting a humorous eye on the pitfalls of cyber- dating. "I know of a woman who was so repulsed by the man she'd fallen in love with through email, that she ran away the minute she saw him at the airport."

That's not to say that, when it comes to romance, the internet isn't entirely without its uses. For the terminally shy, cyber-flirtation is sometimes a godsend.

"It does seem to make relationships easier to sustain for people who are a bit shy or socially awkward," says Dave Roberts. "You tend to get a bit more adventurous when flirting and say things you wouldn't say in person. It's much less embarrassing to type something than it is to say it, especially when it's someone you haven't actually met in real life.".

e-luv calling.

Mobile phones. They're not just good for txting yr m8s or making calls on the motorway and causing multiple pile-ups, y'know. Because now, you can download your favourite internet romance novel direct to your moby. Well, some of you can. Those of us with really rubbish phones (mine is pictured here) will miss out, as it gots no WAP. If you gots WAP, go to the I-CUE virtual bookstore.

Go on, have a guess.

A comment was left by someone called 'Clare' on the previous post, where I asked for ideas on how to respond to my first piece of fan mail. Her (frankly brilliant) suggestion was to reply, asking him if he would like to buy another 10 copies to use as gifts for his friends.
Your mission? To guess if Clare is:
(a) Just someone who randomly stumbled across the site,
(b) A booklover with a passion for the literary output of Dave Roberts,or
(c) e-luv's publisher.

I've got mail

I got my first (unsolicited) fan mail today. Well, the first that was sent absolutely spontaneously and not as the result of heavy hints. He (Tony), thanked me for such an enjoyable read and even offered ideas for a sequel.
Here's the problem. Do I reply, with a long outpouring of gratitude for his kind words and ask him if he can lend me some money? Or do I act as though this sort of thing happens all the time and just send a quick note thanking him for his interest?

Libraries. They're brilliant, aren't they?

I have uncovered a new magnificent resource here, which allows me to monitor e-luv's public library activity in nearly EVERY SINGLE borough.
Who could have known that a seemingly innocuous website could provide so much drama?
For example, WHO is the Coventry citizen who has put in an order for e-luv? And WHY have Belfast decided not to buy it? WHY is it still on the shelf in Leeds' posher suburbs but on loan in the dodgier ones? Ditto Manchester. And WHY are Kingston, Camden and Barnet so much more enlightened than their counterparts, in offering their customers/clients/users Britain's best-loved internet romance novel?

I heart Vanessa

It's Vanessa Feltz, the queen of the daytime chat show. She's back in a new show, Vanessa's Real Lives and she's ready to ask the questions that other hosts won't!!
I was asked to go on it and talk about my shabby internet experiences, but due to being on the other side of the world, couldn't make it. Shame, really, as it would have been great publicity. Much better than trying to get free plugs on an angry Scottish person's website and getting busted. I would go into more detail, but (a) I'm tired, and (b) I'm scared of him.
A fellow D-list author very kindly reported on the size of the e-luv pile in the Richmond Waterstone's. She has also bought some new glasses. Go read about both of these things NOW.

Why, surely that's Alan Rickman?

It's not, you know. It's me. But I have decided this is the right time to finally show the famous Alan Rickman picture in public. If you haven't read the book, you will now be feeling very left out, and I suggest you visit Amazon.co.uk to order the book ranked #97,831. If you have read it, this is the picture mentioned four times in e-luv. See the uncanny resemblance to Rickman? The wry, amused and frankly sensuous look at camera? The eyes which promise untold pleasures? Sorry girls. I'm married.

The youth of today

Feckless hoodie-wearing wasters who hang out at the mall, swearing at decent folk like you and I, while listening to their horrible rap music through their iPods which they got through mugging some innocent Sun reader.
That's what you're led to believe when you live the other side of the world and you read the Sun online every day.
But then you learn about people like Max, a self-confessed angry young man. Max has a blog and today he put up his thoughts on e-luv, which you can read here.
I like Max. I think he gives us hope for the future.

Heaven knows I'm miserable too.

A wave of ennui is sweeping the world. First, there was Robbie Williams lookalike Paul Carr. Then it engulfed the needsofstella. And now, it has reached me.
It's not Luica's fault. I'm fine with the fact she saw fit to award another book 4.5 stars. It actually looks quite good.
No, the problem is poverty. I have never been more broke. We're living on my credit card, which is dangerously close to the limit. Work has dried up. Our card business won't start making money until next year. And today, the freezer died, joining a long list of appliances that no longer function.
I got an email from an old friend this morning. It began: "Now you're a rich and famous author..".

Another Trevor?

A regular reader, Mr MN of Upper Norwood has made a controversial casting suggestion for the imminent film version of e-luv. Ignoring Johnny Vegas's claims, he has put forward Mark Benton for the plum role of Trevor.
If you don't know who Mark Benton is, I have put a picture of him above, welcoming Bille Piper into his home. This is what happens when you're rumoured to be attached to e-luv. Billie Piper drops round.
What do YOU think? Vegas or Benton? As this is the world's least interactive website, with the only person to ever leave any comments being Mr RL from Melbourne, I am not hopeful of this debate being settled by the weight of public opinion.

Blogs

There are many fine blogs on the www. Examples of this include the Friday Project, Luica Mak (in future, there will be many gratuitous mentions of Luica, as her last appearence here resulted in a huge number of visitors from Hong Kong), and Stripey Jumper, the World's leading greetings card company.
But my current favourite is undoubtedly needsofstella. This is not just because she gave e-luv a fab review, but also has the finest drawer-assembly blog entry I have ever seen as well as a mention of the wonderful Pipettes.

Luica doesn't love e-luv

Some people think Paris Hilton is attractive. Others think that George Bush was right to invade Iraq. And there are even those who think e-luv is rubbish.
Whilst doing my customary trawl through Google, seeking out words of praise I may have inadvertantly missed, I stumbled upon something that chilled me to my very core.
A bad review.
It was from the blog of one Luica Mak.
I knew it wasn't good when I saw phrases like "not in the same league (as Bridget Jones)", "painful to read", "it was not witty" and "two stars out of five".
I am in too much pain to tell you any more. If you must, check it out for yourself here.
Incidentally, I wrote to Luica seeking closure on this unfortunate business. She was very nice.

More public humiliation

Metro is a newspaper with a circulation of around 825,000, distributed in an area where most of my friends and family live. Obviously the perfect forum, then, to admit to:
1. Having rampant cybersex sessions.
2. Sending misleading photos.
3. Getting cybermarried to someone whose name I can't remember, and...
4. Having a cyberhoneymoon in Norway.
If I had any dignity left, I wouldn't make this any worse by putting in a link to the article. But I don't. So here it is.

Not everybody likes e-luv.

This is the first shot in Digital Agency's fabulous marketing campaign. A series of women, apparently forgotten by Lord Brett when he wrote his memoires and unhappy not to get a mention in the book. See the rest of the clips here and then go and make some of your own, using your cellphone or camera and email them to me. The best will probably win a load of Pop Justice t-shirts.