Here's why you must buy e-luv

I am so broke that I have had to sell my VERY RARE fanclub-only Saint Etienne CD, just to pay the rent. I heard from Mastercard this morning. They declined my request to increase the credit limit. Yesterday, the bank decided against giving me an overdraft. I just about have enough money left to buy food for the rest of the week. And that's it. To substantiate my 'starving artist' claim, here is my fridge. Tonight we will be having carrots and falafel. Tomorrow we will be having carrots.

Amazon isn't totally rubbish

Visiting amazon.co.uk is usually a painful experience. But not today. While it is true that the book is still languishing somewhere in the 70,000s, I found consolation in the form of a fabulous review by someone calling himself alproc.

As part of my commitment to make life as easy as possible for readers of this blog, I will now give you a taste of the review headed WILDLY ENTERTAINING. A 2006 "STEALTH BEST-SELLER" IN THE U.K.:


"The writing is blisteringly funny, moving, and smart as a whip--story-telling that is droll, descriptive and effortless. And, in the modern fashion, streamlined, in small digestible sections, as if for easy email or web consumption.

Roberts' writing is at least as funny as David Sedaris, and also reminds me of the black comedy of Augusten Burroughs 2004 memoir "Dry." Actually, I think it's rather better. After 10 pages I could not put this book down, and finished its 186 pages in less than three hours. I closed it reluctantly, wishing there were more volumes from this author to dive in to.".

To read more, go here.

Jude reviews e-luv

Jude is a teacher who loves Trevor (not, sadly,the Trevor of e-luv fame) and has recently acquired a mattress topper. She feeds her children Oatibix (which I'm STILL waiting for someone to send me) and is past Person of the Week. As if all that wasn't enough, she has supplied this review of Britain's best-loved internet romance novel:

e-luv made me laugh. And worried me. In almost equal measure. At the start of the novel I was reminded of Toby Young, How to Lose Friends and Alienate People. But then I was hooked. Willing you away from the computer.
And then, the end. I do hope that it worked out.
How much of it is true??? Are you going to write the sequel??? So many questions.
I suggest, if you are reading this and haven't already bought it, then go down to your local book purveyor and buy one or two, pronto.
You won't regret it.

Not even big in New Zealand

Having too much time on your hands and an unquenchable desire to see your name onscreen is a lethal combination on the internet. But at least it explains why I found this website showing the relative popularity of NZ blogs. A Mr Simon Polak has a no -doubt intriguing website devoted to early flutes. It is read by approximately 3 times as many people as this one. I share 18th place with a fantastic site devoted to the North South Holiday Park in Christchurch. The hosts, John and Julie were finalists in the 2005 AA Spirit of Hospitality awards and have a certificate signed by Neville Scarlett on their homepage to prove it.

Person of the Week

The waiting is over. Most of you will shortly experience a feeling of disappointment so intense that you will have to lay down in a darkened room. You will undertand how Helena felt when Connie undeservedly won "How do you solve a problem like Maria?". Because like that competition, there can be only one winner of Person of the Week. So step forward...Caroline Smailes! Yes, the author of the fantastic "In Search of Adam" has taken out literature's highest honour. You can read about Caroline's life and see a picture of her in egg-and-spoon action right here.
If you'd like to win this award, all you have to do is buy e-luv or even say you're going to buy it. The more copies you buy, the more praise you will be given.

Non-working monkey reviews e-luv

Dave Roberts is a towering literary genius. And I'll tell you why.

I bought his book out of pity, if I'm honest. He left a comment on my blog about internet dating. It was nice enough, his comment, but he berated me for not having mentioned his book. I looked at his blog a bit, and then we started corresponding; I can't remember what about (probably something like "who'd win in a fight? Marmite or Vegemite?"). Inevitably (and cautiously, like the first bluebell struggling to see spring's first light in a gloomy wood), the subject came round to whether I'd read his book or not.

I tried a bit, but in the end I had to buy it. So I did, off of Amazon. Bought two by mistake, as it goes. I looked at it for a bit, then thought I might as well read it. I'd finished "A la recherche" that morning and needed a bit of light relief, to be frank. Anyway, I read it. And read it. And emailed Dave at 4 in the morning saying: for FUCK'S sake, I can't stop reading it. He didn't reply.

I finished it in about 5 hours. I read fast, you see. Then I wrote Dave an email:

Dave,
What happened? Did you meet Charlotte? Where did you meet your wife, if your wife isn't Charlotte? You can't just STOP it like that, in the middle.
Oh yeah, the book's good, by the way.
Cheers
Lucy

Dave wrote back the next morning and pointed out that he'd made most of it up in his head. I thought it was real, and I read it in one go. And for me, that means it's good.

PS I only finish books that are funny, well-written (mainly, unless I feel like cheering myself up by buying 20p chicklit books from charity shops and burning them), and clever. So I'm not sure why I liked Dave's but still, we all have our off-days.

Exciting new feature

Following hot on the heels of the hugely popular "Person of the Week" award comes another new feature which is already THE topic of discussion everywhere. It's the READER'S REVIEW, where YOU get to review e-luv, and then get to see a heavily censored version appear on this site. Remember, e-luvvers, this blog is read by the most influential people in publishing and your chances of being offered a book deal on the strength of one review are very high.
As non-working monkey has let me down badly, I have been forced to turn to my wife to do the first one. Here it is:

I may have enjoyed e-luv when I initially read it, but after reading each new edited version, I'm pretty much sick to death of it. The references to women's underwear are amusing. If you're a 10-year-old boy. I found the author's reliance on flippant one-liners tiresome. And his insistence on stereotyping Americans as either trailer-trash bimbos or redneck white supremacists was offensive. On the positive side, the cover art is good.

That was Liz's review. We are no longer on speaking terms.

e-luv - the sequel

I have an idea. Instead of publishing an e-luv sequel(aka Trevor Online)in the traditional way, which would mean waiting for ages to see if e-luv sells enough to justify it, I'm thinking about getting a website – www.trevoronline.com, and serialising it. I'd put up a couple of short chapters every week which people can read for free, starting in December.
I like the idea of doing it this way because the story can remain more topical, incorporating real events and the hot sites-du-jour,like Second Life. To keep it all free, I'd look at selling product placement and tying into relevant product launches such as new mobile phones, movie launches, clothing lines, energy drinks, magazines, computer games and books.
By publishing it on a website, I can show IM screens, video clips and pictures of the women Trevor is talking to, as well as play extracts of the music tapes they send each other. The latter would be a great way for record companies to launch new bands, by getting them included.
There would be a forum (or even chatroom) which would allow readers to make suggestions as to where the story goes, or just ask Trevor questions.
I'd also offer a weekly 15 minute podcast of the chapters,complete with sound effects, which would be available through the website or iTunes via Jellycast. There could even be a serialised video version of the book on YouTube, while i-cue could be approached about serialising it on mobile phones.
When the book is finished, it could then (hopefully) be published in the traditional way.
Well? What do YOU think?

Cash for honours

I've decided to start a 'Person of the Week' feature on this site. Basically, all you have to do is either buy e-luv, or just say you're going to buy it. It's like the 'Cash for Honours' scheme, but will cost you only £7.99, as opposed to the £100,000 it cost millionaire Chai Patel to buy a nomination for a similarly prestigious title from Mr Blair.
It is with great pride that I award the very first 'Person of the Week' award to Jude.
I already have next week's winner, but there is a vacancy for the following week.

The good, the bad and the ugly

For anyone interested in writing, as opposed to nipples, here are the good, bad and ugly things I've discovered about having a book out. I would like to point out (before anyone else does) that the "ugly" section isn't really ugly at all. It's just a contrivance to make the snappy headline work.

The good - Finding new comments or reviews most days, almost all positive. Today I found one that said "I actually have snorted in places because I found it so funny".

The bad - Going to amazon.co.uk and seeing this:
Amazon.co.uk Sales Rank: #156,789 in Books

The ugly - Agents. You'd think it would be easier to find one when you've had a book published, but it seems to make no difference.

The power of suggestion

I have always been fairly suggestible.
As a teenager, my political stance on Northern Ireland was formed by listening to a Wings song. And I have always drunk Carlsberg, even though I don't like it, because I firmly believe that it's probably the best lager in the world.
It comes as no surprise, therefore, to learn that I have put the rights to e-luv up on eBay, just because an anonymous person left a message here saying they thought it was a good idea.
You can either bid on it, or just take a look here

Nipples

Hidden at the bottom of this page is one of those stat counter things. It lets me know how many visitors the site has had and, as a bonus, how they came to be here. So, for example, if someone had done a Google search for "nipples", one of my early posts that happened to mention nipples would have led them to this site. It seems an entire continent has gone nipple crazy. In fact, approximately 40% of visitors are (a) American or Canadian and (b) frantically searching the internet for nipples. They care not for e-luv, which I toiled over for months on end. All they want is to see a pair of nipples. And when they don't see any, they leave. Now, I don't like to disappoint people, and I'd like them to enjoy their stay, so if it's nipples you want, I've found a fine pair for you.

By popular demand

One of the most popular features of this blog is the photos of e-luv in Waterstone's 3 for 2 piles. In recent times I have been inundated with requests for more, so I sent one of my people down to King's Road, camera in hand. As you can see from the picture above, he did not disappoint. I am sure this Jane Austen person would be flattered to see her books alongside mine. I only hope someone sends her a photo.

A really bad idea

Sometimes, it's best to reveal the truly awful ideas only when the urge to act on them has passed. Some background: as any regular reader will know, work had dried up for me last month and I was so broke that I had a stack of bills I couldn't pay, as well as pretty much no chance of making the rent. So I hit upon what seemed an idea of pure genius - putting the film rights to e-luv up on eBay. Not only was it relevant, dead clever and postmodern, but it would also generate huge publicity resulting in a 6-figure deal. Strangely, not one person shared my enthusiasm for this and the idea was quietly dropped.